I am all over the place. Certain life situations break your heart into pieces. Make you feel like this is the end of it all. Everything slipping out of hands. One having no control over the present. You just have to live through the wretched train of events.
The end of anything beautiful is always painful. Though you pictured and recreated the end in your head a zillion times…this is how it will end..and this is how I will deal with it. And you distance yourself from anything that could remotely hurt or even prick you. Fixed, coped, mended yourself. Let time play its magic on you.
And still, here I am…almost akin to a bruised puppy. Thought I had excelled the art of letting go. It’s funny how time flies and your feelings don’t even budge a centimeter. I read this somewhere…Love what you love with reckless abandon. And what if it only torments you in return?
Live the pain. Embrace it. I would say revel in it. Don’t make your emotions subject to a person’s action. And then love and laugh a little more. Don’t they say every end is a new beginning?
Some love stories are not earthbound. Some love stories occur in a different space. You cannot explain them to people or put them in words or contain them in any other manner. You don’t fear its end, nor regret its failure. You just sit and wonder how you ended up experiencing something so starkly beautiful. How it has made everything else around a little less brighter in shade. All the glitter and gloss around you doesn’t affect its chastity. Innocent, Relentless love stories. And then at times you dolefully wince, why me? And you counter react in disbelief, is it even possible? It doesn’t annihilate you, it crumbles you in pieces, bit by bit. Like a deep quagmire sucking you out of breath, but slowly. There is no right or wrong, there is no end to it, there is tenderness, there is pain, there is so much that cannot be written, you know, in that kind of love.
Does it help, if I admit that I miss you at molecular level. Or if I say you are snatching away my nights. Does my abnormality resulting from your silence give you relief. Should I mention the constant residual uneasiness you have bequeathed upon me. I don’t find the need to check my cell phone these days. I don’t ponder lately on how I look in front of the mirror. Couldn’t you beguile me a little less? Couldn’t you have loved me a little fainter? Why was the passion required. Were those unrestrained talks really necessary. I am on a thin line between whether I want to recover from you or not. I fear nothing would match up to you and when it does, I would fear forgetting you. Mind isn’t ready to stack you as a thing of the past. You might be indifferent. You might have moved on. You might be yearning. You might have come in terms. You might be struggling too. I have no way to find. For a moment I wish I was little more self obsessed so I could think less of you. Love and the trepidation it brings along!
Then again, I don’t want us to be uncertain. Paddling with insecurities. I will accept our fall. I will embrace your absence in my bones, make it a part of living. Life shouldn’t stop on incomplete stories. We’ll be fine, you and I. Our story, short, romantic, fervent, incomplete, beautiful, sad; but our’s at the end.
I am looking forward to tomorrow…such a beautiful thought to end the day with.
I don’t know where my life is heading towards. I don’t have everything sorted out. I haven’t planned a millisecond ahead of this moment. I have nothing under control. I have no fucking clue. Infact I am clueless as the wind, on which direction to perambulate next. I live in the present. Yet, I look forward to tomorrow. Life ain’t bad.
AT LEAST that’s what I say when I have these series of boyfriends/flings coming and going around; you know to add some humour to it. Some due to my issues; some due to their short comings; some for no substantial reason at all(!). Love is a precarious bait. Despite all the risks involved of getting your heart sullied, you do it any way. There will be breathtaking moments galore and the beauty of it all, gets you carried away.
Who doesn’t love being nudged or nuzzled or lifted and dragged on to the wall?! Who wouldn’t smile if someone says they want to smother you up? 😀 I know I do. It’s not done in heat of the moment, and it is certainly not an impulsive decision to make. The heart and mind sit together for several conference calls and land up here. Oh the risks! will mitigate them. And the differences? Will adjust. Difficulties? Will face them, will beat them. If you like someone, you like someone. Everything else becomes surmountable. And then the story ends like every other beautiful one. No reason or rhyme, it just ends. As abruptly as it’s happening here.
This one is going to take time. To turn from fresh scar to a wound. To be reminded of you and not mention it. To crave for you and let it pass like I was some kid and you an expensive toy. I can say I had it coming, people may say it wasn’t going to last long anyway. I’ll get over it and all of that crap. But I had witnessed magic there; I was one element of our heavily reactive chemistry. Some pieces of puzzle fit right together. We so did. And past we will become, but an utterly beautiful one. You there, made me laugh and I’ll hold that close to my heart. Adios then, is it?
I pile on. Things. Emotions. Boxes. Clothes. All tangible/intangible stuff. I pile on every stupid thing. From a chocolate wrapper to some shirt’s button, I collect them all. I broke a hair band today and disposing it away pinched me a little! Now when I write it here, I realize the heights of absurdity in it. Losing anything does not come easy to me. I cling to it till it’s absolutely necessary to get rid of. I am (eventually) understanding that it’s not helpful in the long run. Soon I’ll be in a room full of nothing but non-essentials. It is already filling up. Why don’t I live out of my brain for a day? Use someone else’s head may be. And then get rid of all these things. Doing it myself would only seem a treason to the aforementioned NON HUMAN things. I’ll figure out a way. You dear shoes, have served me well when the time existed. You pretty shirt, were my easiest rescue for many a days. I think I am sleep talking, writing! Time to part ways.
I think girls are beautiful creatures of god. I mean I am all about praising men, but today i want to NOT mention them anywhere. There is something about girls you know…the air of mystery..the inhibition to not let it all out..the smile..the unconscious gestures of moving their fingers around their ear…the cuteness…the sultriness..the mood swings….the giggles…the caring instinct…the hairs..ooh the hairs in all sort of varieties…the uncalled for tears and their futile attempts to stop them…the bracelets around their wrists, or anklets around their slender feet or lockets around their neck or those cute hair clips…the copious amount of products they purchase…and the seldomness with which they use those products..how they shower love…how they feign to be mad…how they don’t make eye contact when actually mad…how they looooove to dress up…and how they equally loooove to stay in jammies..i am telling you…girls are full of adorable peculiarities. They can be pain in the ass at times, true. But aren’t they disarming enough for you to bear some pain?! You might be amidst a tornado of life changing decisions to make, and a particular she will call you up and make it all mellow. I love being a girl! It is occuring to me today. :).
I just heard a song and will take a moment here to quote some lines from it:
“bin puche mera naam aur pataa…(without asking my name or address..)
rasmon ko rakh ke pare..(keeping the customs aside..)
char kadam bas char kadam chal do na saath mere..(four steps..just four steps..come walk along with me..)
bin kuch kahe bin kuch sune..(without saying or hearing anything..)
Haathon mein haath liye..(taking hand in hand of each other)
Char kadam bas char kadam chal do na saath mere..(four steps..just four steps..come walk along with me..)”
Isn’t that tingly feeling just beautiful when you have loads of uncertainities and yet loads of deep rooted silly expectations from a person! When you are seeing all butterflies and sunflowers in a traffic signal full of honking cars.
I so adore that unspoken kind of companionship. The song made me smile all over again.
These Sundays are surpringly quite variant when you are spending them alone. In single span of a day you will have highs and lows intermittently occuring every now and then. I have got all sorts of thoughts in my head today: what am I doing?! Why am I sleeping like a bear?! Why don’t i improve my eating habits?! Why don’t i start exercising? Stop dwelling on the past! Stop opening shopping sites for a while! what do i read now? What’s happening in the world?! could i care any less?! How cool would it be to have someone walk few steps along with me..without asking any questions or expecting any answers..:)?..