How does one think beyond the limits of one’s surroundings when one is confined in the same spot for a really long time. No change of scenery, no human interaction, no intimacy, no banters. I feel like my mind has frozen. Stuck in this loop of mundane activities, trying really hard to stay positive but to no avail. These bad thoughts and scary moments sneak their way in, somehow. I want this feeling of unrest to end. I would like to feel the lightness in my steps and have a zinger for my thoughts. It’s not like I am constantly sad. But I would like to be in a state of carefreeness. I know that feeling, I crave for it now more than ever. Peace in solace. Just, plain and simple peace. 🙂
I wouldn’t like to use this term loosely but there are days when I am more anxious than the regular days. It could be triggered by any small thing, like a bad dream, a silly Pinterest quote, something that I saw in a movie, a song. What I am learning is, each day is not the same. And some days take a lot of effort from me to stay focused. I can’t help it when the feeling kicks in but keeping my phone away helps, talking to friends helps, talking to your dear ones makes the feeling go away, writing does it too. These are strange times indeed, and then we all have our inner battles to tackle. They say, time fixes things; heals old wounds. I would just call it a bad day and go to sleep. Jittery nerves will figure their way out slowly. Steadily.
I am losing confidence in myself. That can’t be good. I decide I am not good at something even before attempting it. Something is not right guys. This isn’t me.
And enough with the self victimization. I am growing old of it myself. Shitty things happen in life. Get over it. There will be new chapters. And better days.
Another noticeable fault in my system is that I am starting my day by looking at my phone screen. My inner angel self(you know out of the two, angel and demon) is questioning it too, ’Girl! Really? Morning with a phone screen!’. And I am not waking up with very good thoughts. Morning then really sets the tone of my day and I am anxious throughout.
I know better. I genuinely do. And I am not looking at my phone when I wake up tomorrow.
I haven’t been myself for over a year. Could you imagine?
It’s come to a point where I can no longer sensibly process my thoughts. I feel weak. I feel fragile. Broken. Small. Ashamed. Insecure. Incapable. Worthless. Lost. SAD. Anxious. Confused. Did I mention weak already?
Oh my god! From being my own motivator to see myself like this, it kind of makes me want to say a huge SORRY to myself. So that’s what I am going to do right now. I am going to apologize to myself and you could be party to it.
- I am sorry for giving too much of myself away to be with someone.
- I am sorry for not caring about my health enough or can I say at all.
- I am sorry to let another person’s view affect my sense of belief.
- I am sorry to cry about something mean someone said out of their own fears.
- I am sorry to have thought so small of myself.
- I am sorry that people aren’t always nice and that in turn shouldn’t turn you bitter.
- I am sorry for not relishing what I have.
- I am sorry for not counting my blessings.
- I am sorry for overlooking the problems faced by the people around me.
- I am sorry for having dark circles around my eyes and a loss of weight, a loss of appetite, a loss of interest in things.
- I am sorry, every time my ears flared up out of anxiety, moments of immense trepidation, insecurity, I am sorry I let someone’s action control me like that.
- I am sorry to have become so dependent.
- I am sorry to have my happiness taken lightly.
- I am sorry to have myself be taken lightly.
- I am sorry for locking myself in my room, for not stepping out for two days.
- I am sorry for giving up on all my hobbies.
- I am sorry to have cried endlessly and stressing myself to sleep.
- I am sorry to have woken up depressed.
- I am sorry for being inconsiderate because of my own mental struggles.
- I am sorry for losing control of myself.
- I am sorry for obsessing about something not worth obsessing.
- I am sorry for giving others power over me.
- I am sorry to have forgotten my worth, to all the moments of self-doubt.
I am sorry, I am really, really sorry you amazing, caring, loving, harmless, strong, independent, resilient, patient, smart, wise, quirky piece of a human being. I am sorry to put you in the back seat.
From here on, each day, every day, I am going to work towards building myself again. Be kind. And reflect my happy energy on to others. There is enough sadness and grief and complications in this life. Not just for me, for everyone around me. And I am going to treat everyone better, including myself.
How do you stay sane in a mad mad world
How do you embrace the new and renounce what is familiar
How do you appease the antsy nerves
How do you trick time in your favour
How does one’s discomfort end
How do the seasons blend
How to stay your true self
And know there is nothing wrong
How do you NOT fear the unknown
How do you not assimilate
Not shape your actions based on perceptions
How does one trust and not feel stupid about it
How do these questions get answered?
P.S. – Feeling queasy on a perfectly fine Saturday morning 😐.
What do I say? I had been out for a friend’s wedding in Mumbai. I am at an all time low since my return. Reasons? Galore. There is this sense of detachment. Of nothingness. Of futility. I am low because the whole marriage affair didn’t entice me much. I mean, of course I was happy for my friend and I smiled all along, but I even got the feeling simultaneously that I won’t fit in the bill. I wouldn’t want to do these things. I might have at one point in the past, but I am so averse to it right now. Cannot fathom the whys and whats of it. Why am I sad but? Lack of sense of purpose I suppose. If not marriage at least I should be willing to do something of my life right? So lost. So so lost. Don’t want lectures. Don’t want communication. Don’t want nothing. Let me rue for a few days more. Till then here is my pretty picture from the wedding..all things girly..(when have my doldrums ever stopped me from dressing up..). Adios!
#can be classified under my stupid quest for happiness.
Sometimes I am baffled at the meaninglessness of my own existence. How little significance do I hold? How miniscule a drop I am in this ocean of a vast diversified human kind. Every one is busy with their life. If I laugh a little more one day or cry a little longer the next day, who would it affect? Each person has his own story. My story would coincide with some, but each one of us have our own shit to handle. Each one is tackling his/her own struggles . How does it matter what ice cream flavour I like or which colour is my most favourite? Some days things seem magnificently trivial to me. Like nothing matters at all.
On such hope-deprived days, I reshuffle my head. Must do. And I foster the courage to tell myself: it is one life I have been given. Be it a drop; let it mean nothing to no one. I have to, have to live it to the fullest. If and when I am remembered later on(like when I am dead), people should be like, oh! She loved with her heart and oh! She lived like there was no tomorrow..and oh! She was unstoppable…and oh this and oh that! How perfectly awesome would that be! For the sake of some after-life praise, why don’t I start valuing my present? Just saying. Some people are so darn positive they have sun rising up from their asses, the least I could do is endeavour to live life happily.
I scroll through my cell phone. There is this neediness in me seeking one person I can talk my heart out to. I realize it is not going to help. In silent introspection, it dawns upon me that I am not seeking someone. I am only yearning for you. It makes sense too. How could a Lime Soda quench one’s thirst for Coke? Sure it will keep me full for a while but it won’t work as right. So I leave my cell as it is. Truly speaking, I am not even yearning. You have left me convincingly destructed though. Come and see for yourself.
When people decide to leave you, why don’t they leave a manual behind with “What to do next?” notes. How exasperating it is to toil day and night, smile, talk, engage and then look down at your hands, close your eyes and say to yourself, it is fine; you’ll be fine. Yeah people who care, they say, don’t romanticize your situation girl! But I will ask, why not? How do I not? It is coming to me naturally. The agony. The trouble. The restlessness. The sleeplessness. The craziness. The abruptness. Each one attacking like a storm. I feel like some abandoned bad habit. Actually, no. Even bad habits get their own time to wane. So what happens now? Of people like me, who dig too deep emotionally? Till I don’t find an answer, I will keep shutting my eyes and reassuring myself, it’s alright. It is all fine.
Where there is a will, there is a way.
Such an old saying. I might have uttered it umpteen times since childhood. Never really ruminated over it though. It dawned on me today, like fifteen minutes back. I was hearing this pumped up song and the line went like “hai chaah toh, hai raasta”. And in my mind I was like oh! this is hindi version of the aforementioned quote.
Doesn’t it make sense? what actually matters is your will. (Yeah dorky mouth, that’s what the quote is famous for!) I’ll go ahead and say it anyway.
It might be a very miniscule will to change your bed sheets or do your laundry. Or a mighty hefty will to build your own house one day. Will to withstand tribulations. Will to overcome your anxiety phases. Will to be strong enough to let go. Will to smile each day. Will to decide, that even though life will try it’s best to break your bones, you will not give in.
You have the intentions that are not turning into actions?? Put some will to it my friend. :). Because if you have the will, you will most certainly find a way to do it.
Hand me a family pack of ice cream or a jumbo bag of chips to churn on, that will last through the day. Because that is all I want to do; sit in a blank space and muse over you. Skip my chores and ruminate. Vanish away from these social etiquettes and prance around, like I did, knowing that you own some bit of me. Sit by the beach, have some corn and memorize you in detailed bits and pieces. Sip on a really large mug of coffee and laugh about our silly innuendos. May be I am craving for food, may be I am yearning for you. It is hard to say. I don’t want to be appeased. And food is not going to quench my appetite. So, I just come here and write. With no intentions in mind.
Note to self: Have to shift to happier posts soon.