What was familiar is no more acquainted.
What looked appealing has lost its sheen.
What seemed plausible subtly moved out of equation.
What never crossed mind is vaguely falling in the routine.
What should have been, is now a never could have been.
What drew delight now fails to curb the despair.
What caused ripples is barely in sight.
What was loved is piled amongst lost.
That what is lost strangely gives comfort.
Expect the unexpected, they say.
Live each moment to the fullest.
Life is such..What is one to make of it?
Days when I don’t talk, I am waiting for the storm to settle. For my senses to resurface. Run back to the routine. Everything is bleak yet there is a comfort in the unknown. I am all up for novel experiences, and this unabashed uncertainty is the first of its sorts. Did I say too much, do I go too far? Where do I stand? What do I want? Days when I am not talking, these rigmarole of questions keep hitting my conscience.
I am wading away from the past, subconsciously. It pricks me a bit because past was my idea of perfection. Now, it is gone. But present is here, and present looks good too. :).
Sometimes, I feel it is an okay thing to be lost and dreamy. To be so immersed in your own disorderliness that propriety feels uncanny. You get comfortable in your skin, not vain, yet extremely defensive of any change suggested otherwise. Things that made you extremely insecure at one point of time do not make much sense now. You have outgrown your own subtle dilemmas; outgrown some ties; probably outgrown some people too. Came in terms with your follies. Forgiven yourself and forgiven people who may have wronged you in the past.
Watched this movie today: Mr.Nobody, and got stuck to a quote from it:
Every path is the right path. Everything could have been anything else and it would have just as much meaning.
Living in peace does seem like a ridiculously difficult summit to achieve but one can always work in that direction.
P.S. : The title could even be Sleep Deficit Grown up talks. :D.
Here is a theory (yep! call me crazy): When you part with someone you love…it becomes kind of obvious that you are going to be Mr./Miss/Mrs. gloomy for a plentiful days. You won’t get out of bed, you won’t eat right, you won’t mingle, you will possibly do all deplorable things to make you much worse than you are. At that point of time, it seems justified, a natural course of action. Like, yeah that person mattered to me, and I am literally down in the dumps without them.
But, how about doing the exact opposite? Say improving yourself for the ones you loved. Yeah let the gloominess phase out; if it doesn’t, limp, crawl, somehow, fight out of it. Sure, getting out of the bed seems like a hill to surmount. You are better than that, heck I am better than that. Wonder what it would be like, if you just sat and decided to be a better version of yourself. I mean what’s there to lose now right? Store the residuals in a locker or something. Do something good. Something fulfilling, that delights you. Take up some activity out of your comfort zone, learn something you are entirely new to. Imagine, if you ever meet this person somewhere down the lane, you could just smile and say, your love made me stronger.
I woke up today with a very specific and probably positive thought in mind: Make it count. The day. I wasn’t pretty sure on what would actually make it count. For me, mostly, a day well spent has been to be with family or friends or anybody you love. That’s my idea of “time utilization”. Lately, I have had a lot of time to myself. My friends are occupied, my family stays away etc. etc. A LOT of me time. That bug in my mind has been running hard from days to figure out, what now? I will not talk about any bigger plans here. I am pretty lost if I dig deep. Nevertheless, I woke up, I pondered a while, realized it is plain shit to sit and ponder, I cooked, I danced by myself for sometime, I picked my guitar to practise, I cleaned up my room a bit, that’s pretty much it. Did I make it count? That bug inside keeps appeasing me, calm down, keep going. I will just listen to my bug.
You are the battle I have conspicuously lost but I revisit time and again, to trail my defeat. You are that dream I don’t want to be woken up from, and yet I regret every time, of having seen it. That candy bar in a retail shop I couldn’t get enough of at one time, but I walk past now because it aches my tooth. My favourite perfume bottle that I use ever so stingily from the fear that I would finish it up soon. That song I once stumbled upon the radio and loved hearing but couldn’t trace it later on. The tiny gossamer of fabric I don’t want to tear apart from the whole clothing. That large bite on my dish which I don’t just yet jump on, as I want to relish it at the end. You are no things simple. And yet you are all things easy. May be that’s what I miss, the easiness. You are something I don’t wish to recover from and someone who is doing me all wrong. You are a paradox I am living, day and night.
If I have a day to kill, I make sure I kill it with wasteful pondering. Even if I have a lump of chores to finish, I would choose to sit back and think instead. All this time, I am completely aware that I am wasting my time, but I do it anyway.
One good thing I did today was get up early and go on a walk/run/mix of both. My brain didn’t stop there as well. There is this shackled sort of animated character inside me that is so darn willing to break the chains. Move past. Be positive and what not. Whoever coined this term of being in peace with oneself…please hand me the instruction manual to do the same. I do a lot of things when I am alone. The useful things just reach my head as an idea and futile ones, they come like the storm.
So anyway, one interesting idea to hit me was that of a solo trip. Mmmmmmmm?!!! Can I, can I not. If I could, it would really be terrific. Who would click my pics, well there is auto mode. Would it be odd? I guess not. Too bold? little bold. What’s stopping me? Nothing in particular, just a tad bit of hesitation. I’ll get there in due time. Let’s see.
I have decided..like right now-right now, I won’t be grappled by sadness. It comes easy to me. Worrying, missing, shedding a tear, lamenting. I know the pattern now. I fuel it, and it never gets better. Sometimes I feel obligated to be sad. Oh! Such a terrible episode of my life. How can I lighten up? Like this behavior is expected of me. Go by the books, stay in the rut. If I smile, 2% guilt will tag along. So…This ain’t going right. I am not doing it right. I am not required to document my struggle. Struggle is part of life, not necessarily the gist of it. O dearest whacky lil self! Let’s check out the road less traveled. Dust the shelves. Let’s tread the perky path. Tough task here is to discover, what makes me happy. I’ll find my way (Hands doing that peace out gesture).
Some love stories are not earthbound. Some love stories occur in a different space. You cannot explain them to people or put them in words or contain them in any other manner. You don’t fear its end, nor regret its failure. You just sit and wonder how you ended up experiencing something so starkly beautiful. How it has made everything else around a little less brighter in shade. All the glitter and gloss around you doesn’t affect its chastity. Innocent, Relentless love stories. And then at times you dolefully wince, why me? And you counter react in disbelief, is it even possible? It doesn’t annihilate you, it crumbles you in pieces, bit by bit. Like a deep quagmire sucking you out of breath, but slowly. There is no right or wrong, there is no end to it, there is tenderness, there is pain, there is so much that cannot be written, you know, in that kind of love.
Give me a hug. Crush me inside? Make me vanish. Dissolve…amalgamate…collide..run away with me for this fraction of second. Take me to a place where I don’t have to understand things. Let me fall asleep when am around you, at the oddest hours. Catch me off guard. Gaze at me without a reason. Make any sort of speech or sound between us absolutely futile. Get me so engrossed in you that I lose sense of everything around. Smile. Touch. Brush. Nibble. Snuggle. Fondle. Tumble. These small things. These silly nothings. If only in glimpse, show me our Neverland.