I will drain myself to the point of no sensitivity. I will juggle, hurdle…turmoil for days. I will put out all that is there in my heart to see. I’ll untangle my pieces from a criss-cross puzzle and lay them apart on a pristine blank page. Won’t leave a centimetre cube space for any intricacies or complicacies. I’ll go with the flow, I’ll be in the moment. Won’t drop a tear. I’ll be lost and still be sane. I’ll smile a million bucks smile. I’ll be happy as every other happy Jack, Jill and Joe. May be I’ll turn into someone totally new, nothing akin to what I was with you. Will you escape my mind then? Given to all my efforts. I am afraid, not.
One day, when you look back, it will all make sense. The happenings, mishappenings. Your staleness and exuberance. Triviality and enormity of the events around you. It will all come rushing in as a huge palpable epiphany. However, this isn’t the time to seek sense. For now, angels in the sky hint: keep striding forward. Don’t wince. Smile if you may. Because one day, when you look back, you’ll find a million reasons to.
We lived a moment of sheer joy. There was peace, there was ecstasy. There was fire, there was warmth. Your arms were a safe haven for me. My frailty did good to your virility. Yes, it was almost picture perfect. Now, you want to talk about it? I say, don’t ruin it for me. Why kill something by stretching it too far. Moments are not a ductile tape. Let them be intact. Let’s not defame it from our words, our logical reasonings, our shallow promises, our moral compasses. I can’t stand you falsely wanting for me and pretension is not my forte. Let’s take a place in each other’s memory and move ahead. You need to understand, we are not Romeo and Juliet. We are only some transitory outcomes of our impulsive indiscretions. Brutal but true.
Sometimes I am baffled at the meaninglessness of my own existence. How little significance do I hold? How miniscule a drop I am in this ocean of a vast diversified human kind. Every one is busy with their life. If I laugh a little more one day or cry a little longer the next day, who would it affect? Each person has his own story. My story would coincide with some, but each one of us have our own shit to handle. Each one is tackling his/her own struggles . How does it matter what ice cream flavour I like or which colour is my most favourite? Some days things seem magnificently trivial to me. Like nothing matters at all.
On such hope-deprived days, I reshuffle my head. Must do. And I foster the courage to tell myself: it is one life I have been given. Be it a drop; let it mean nothing to no one. I have to, have to live it to the fullest. If and when I am remembered later on(like when I am dead), people should be like, oh! She loved with her heart and oh! She lived like there was no tomorrow..and oh! She was unstoppable…and oh this and oh that! How perfectly awesome would that be! For the sake of some after-life praise, why don’t I start valuing my present? Just saying. Some people are so darn positive they have sun rising up from their asses, the least I could do is endeavour to live life happily.
I am a very very very moody person. I might not have any substantial reason for the course of my actions. I don’t give my moods much thought. Days I am not sleeping…it’s fine I am not sleeping. I am shopping insane…okay..little hole in the pocket..no big deal. Not eating adequately..and people going like, you are getting way too thin…oh yeah I know that..I have seen myself! That.. getting to the root of the problem, is NOT my thing. Yeah I do notice the problem and then I probably just walk past it (I know! not healthy or advisable). I don’t know what’s making me write about myself today. I feel like I am at that phase of my life where I have options in plenty. I can take some sensible course, or digress to some silly path, tread the unknown routes or walk the safe lane. There is no weight on my shoulders, no one is pushing me around to do things their way, I am feeling awkwardly light. You know? Like I need some weight. Something to drive me in a particular direction. Uhh I want to make my own path. Make my time in this vast space of events count. I don’t want to prove anything. I want to be on fire!
Couldn’t it be a simple urge to each choco truffle like other times! Sigh.
I am out with friends and I look happy and frolicky, decked up, spruced up, company is good, food tastes great, such a lovely evening, yay kind of Sunday! Everything seems in place and oh so fine, until some stupid, uncalled for, moronic, crappy, mushy, lovey dovey song starts playing in the background and overwhelms me with influx of gazillion emotions, inadvertently reminding me of you. Ehhh.
Damn you brilliant musicians and lyricists and singers all over the world! Totally unaware of the turmoil you cause to some cushion hearted people.
I feel a little normal these days. It is like I was going through some inexplicably difficult time and now things are settling..not settling but fading may be. Getting less intense. Time works like a bandage..has anyone said it before? Or I am coining this quote.
Today, I had a hands-on experience of how it feels when you are broke. I was doing my usual thoughtless, sporadic, in-the-moment kind of shopping. First swipe done, second swipe done…third time around the swipe machine buzzed for my card…payment declined…it was exactly how they show in movies, when a person is on the verge of a financial crisis. I was like :o!! Good lord! And it hit me like a tiny little lightning bolt that I am low on balance. I guess I needed this. :D. To put some sense to my brains and reduce on the expenses. Dear next month’s salary, I’ll be gentle on you. That being said, I guess it is human to get utterly broke in your lifetime once. Sensibility on saving money is one of the last things I will attain as an adult. Signing off. 2.25 am. I need some sleep.
What to do when you are turning into this impatient, restless person (which deep down you know you are) and you don’t want to because it is wrong may be..you have been there..done that so many times before, and again the trap is all set. I hate to be this version of me. Where I ponder and look at my cell phone screen..another text..another call? Simply hate it. And yet somehow I wind up being this person. Then again, what if a person accepts you with all these annoying habits. And talks to you as if it’s as easy as breathing air. You complain, he kisses. You question, he babes you. You try not to wait(while actually waiting) and he turns up. Don’t need a man of steel, but a man of patience may be. :).
Anxious night ahead…I shopped and shopped today and then I stopped by a small shop on my way back home and forgot half of my baggage over there..what an idiot I am! Have to go back tomorrow morning and check if it is still there. @!?#*$~!?!!!! I stay all lost while traveling…I remember reading a middle aged man’s t-shirt on the way. It said:
“Laziness rule #1.
If you can’t reach it
You don’t need it”
I smiled seeing it. Amidst this hurried lost state of mind, I abandoned my belongings. Didn’t even look for it till late midnight. Plus, a restless person that I am..I won’t get sleep thinking about the 278 different scenarios that could have happened to it or with it. Why dear fate do you work in mysterious ways…it could have been a lazy Sunday night..cozy sleep..saccharine dreams..and now I lie awake waiting for the morning to arrive.
Sometimes my thoughts do trespass to a broader horizon where I ask myself..why such a fuss over superficial things? Why not just rest for a while. What if you lost a pretty dress. You’ll get another one. But these are just words. Reality bite: I am superficial to an extent. Let’s just accept things the way they are. If I lose on the dress tomorrow..Well I won’t encourage unsolicited ifs and buts for now. Time is taking its own sweet time. I don’t reckon what lies ahead. Not tomorrow morning nor the days after that.
I walk on the street. I see people around me. Lots of them. Chilling, sitting, talking. On some other day, in some other period of time, it might have made me conscious. Atleast a tad bit. Surroundings did affect me. But today, I walk along. Struggling with my ice cream that is melting from all corners of the cone. I have slipped into my shoes comfortably. Alone is okay now I suppose. Which is strange!