The fear of losing something or someone is so inherent in me that it becomes really difficult to come out of that shell. I wouldn’t suffer, if I didn’t fear. How does one attain that level of nonchalance? Or are we, as humans, just built to bring upon self-inflicted misery to ourselves?
I terribly miss feeling self-sufficient. It would get lonely at times but I slept in peace. Woke up without stress. It’s funny, I am working towards being someone I once was. I have been writing way too many sad posts. Been paying attention to all the wrong things. There is so much beauty around to savour. It just needs the right eyes.
Who could have imagined? That we will ever experience something like this. Seems like we are playing a part in some zombie/apocalyptic/pandemic movie(last one being a reality right now). With no one on the streets; Logarithmic graphs rising exponentially. Super markets appearing to be danger zones. Masks. Gloves. Hand wash. 2 metres distance. Cough. Sneeze. News. Cooped up in home. Of course the toilet rolls. And still a long way to go.
Every thing is halted. Universe has intervened in an unprecedented manner. There must be a reason for all this. Something must have gone eerily wrong and needed a stop. Human kind is deliberated to sit and ponder. Well, so will I abide.
I am keeping it low key. Focusing on my self. One day at a time. Reading books. Staying off phone. Movies. Exercise. Funny memes. A little French learning. Simple things, you know.
Her feathers are growing back again. Fresh air is running through her lungs. Sun is beaming on to her face. And the flowers are out in full bloom. It’s not easy. It’s never easy. But every pain culminates to peace. And every day is not a cloudy day. She finds her life to be turning with the seasons. Summer passed by; Autumn was melancholic; Winters were brutal. And now, isn’t the spring around? Time to heal. Shed the toxic energy. Find some peace. Smile a little. And then, a little more.
I am losing confidence in myself. That can’t be good. I decide I am not good at something even before attempting it. Something is not right guys. This isn’t me.
And enough with the self victimization. I am growing old of it myself. Shitty things happen in life. Get over it. There will be new chapters. And better days.
Another noticeable fault in my system is that I am starting my day by looking at my phone screen. My inner angel self(you know out of the two, angel and demon) is questioning it too, ’Girl! Really? Morning with a phone screen!’. And I am not waking up with very good thoughts. Morning then really sets the tone of my day and I am anxious throughout.
I know better. I genuinely do. And I am not looking at my phone when I wake up tomorrow.
You wouldn’t believe if I lay down all my woes. You will find a way to diminish their weight. I am feeling the things I am feeling not for any other reason but that I cannot help feeling. I wish I could stop it all. I wish to go back in time where life wasn’t throwing these lessons at me. Where birds chirped and lovers squabbled. I write in angst. I write to subside the pain. That flickering ray of positivity still resides in my being. Today is just another day. And tomorrow will bring with it fresh energy.
When you’ve been sad for way too long, any moment of respite scares you. I am speaking for myself. If a person asks how am I doing and I say I am doing okay, it scares me that this is going to vanish soon. Any moment now, the panic will set in. Any moment now, the sadness will take over. Anxiety shall bare its ugly fangs upon me. So I hesitate to answer. I hesitate to acknowledge any sense of calm. Bad thoughts, negative thoughts, shoo, not right now. Not this hour.
I ain’t jubilant today but this feeling of blankness is pretty good too. It means I am making some progress.
I am keeping myself busy. Last emotional outburst was about eight days back, which is an achievement, trust me. Pushing myself to not skip my evening meals. Reading regularly. Taking deep breaths when I start panicking. I do have those moments in a day where I just want to shut my thoughts because they make me so upset. I am hurt. And I need to accept that and take steps to better myself.
Anything and everything acts like a trigger. One moment I would be walking down the street, all cheerful(very momentary feeling these days) and another moment tears start rolling down my eyes. It’s difficult. It helps when I am listening to others talk. Kind of takes my mind off things. Probably documenting my journey would help. Writing has always been my outlet. Not that I am an expert at it. But enough with the self-doubt. Am I right?!
On that note, caught the first sight of spring today. I probably started paying attention now. It was a delight to see some flowers bloom. See those white little thingies? Well, made me smile.
I haven’t been myself for over a year. Could you imagine?
It’s come to a point where I can no longer sensibly process my thoughts. I feel weak. I feel fragile. Broken. Small. Ashamed. Insecure. Incapable. Worthless. Lost. SAD. Anxious. Confused. Did I mention weak already?
Oh my god! From being my own motivator to see myself like this, it kind of makes me want to say a huge SORRY to myself. So that’s what I am going to do right now. I am going to apologize to myself and you could be party to it.
I am sorry for giving too much of myself away to be with someone.
I am sorry for not caring about my health enough or can I say at all.
I am sorry to let another person’s view affect my sense of belief.
I am sorry to cry about something mean someone said out of their own fears.
I am sorry to have thought so small of myself.
I am sorry that people aren’t always nice and that in turn shouldn’t turn you bitter.
I am sorry for not relishing what I have.
I am sorry for not counting my blessings.
I am sorry for overlooking the problems faced by the people around me.
I am sorry for having dark circles around my eyes and a loss of weight, a loss of appetite, a loss of interest in things.
I am sorry, every time my ears flared up out of anxiety, moments of immense trepidation, insecurity, I am sorry I let someone’s action control me like that.
I am sorry to have become so dependent.
I am sorry to have my happiness taken lightly.
I am sorry to have myself be taken lightly.
I am sorry for locking myself in my room, for not stepping out for two days.
I am sorry for giving up on all my hobbies.
I am sorry to have cried endlessly and stressing myself to sleep.
I am sorry to have woken up depressed.
I am sorry for being inconsiderate because of my own mental struggles.
I am sorry for losing control of myself.
I am sorry for obsessing about something not worth obsessing.
I am sorry for giving others power over me.
I am sorry to have forgotten my worth, to all the moments of self-doubt.
I am sorry, I am really, really sorry you amazing, caring, loving, harmless, strong, independent, resilient, patient, smart, wise, quirky piece of a human being. I am sorry to put you in the back seat.
From here on, each day, every day, I am going to work towards building myself again. Be kind. And reflect my happy energy on to others. There is enough sadness and grief and complications in this life. Not just for me, for everyone around me. And I am going to treat everyone better, including myself.