Wounded

Aaaarghhhh…I am frustrated.

I can list down the reasons but cannot really explain why. It’s just a mix of everything.

Nothing seems completely right. I seem to be losing my touch. What do you do when you face your flaws? When you realise your shortcomings. When some people point it out to you. Or may be even bring it out in you.

I would like to wade off negativity. Some things just pull you down and I don’t want to waste my time over them. A sense of purposelessness prevails. Nothing is bringing pure joy or even a whole hearted smile. I am changing for the worse. I don’t feel myself, now that I am not exuding positive energy.

Mann karta hai bhaag jaun kahin. Akele.

I wish to run away somewhere, that is. Alone.

What a respite it would be, to not be answerable to anyone, not to compromise, not to fidget, not to struggle, or utter words out of spite.

Heal first, if you are wounded, before correcting the things around you. Find your light first. Seek and ye shall find.

Who’s to rescue?

You have that effect on me.

The butterflies fluttering, the warm fuzzy feeling evoking, smiling from the stomach, feeling at home kind of effect. It’s difficult to express as I am bad at expressing myself. But it would be nice if you could pay a visit to the inner workings of my mind. You would have a clue.

Once bitten, twice shy. And I am shy this time around. That feeling of unabashed, reckless abandon has been snatched from me and it saddens me quite a lot. I am discreet now. Not by nature but through a force of habit maybe? It is what it is, and I cannot hold on to a certain way I used to feel.

Could something that has been besmirched, still hold value? Could one truly relish oneself, for what they are? It’s a battle between self-worth and being compassionate. Path to seeking forgiveness could be very difficult but the path to forgive isn’t a cake walk either. The mind understands but the heart cannot accept. Such quandary! Such difficult inner battles.

In betweens

What does one do with the momentary thoughts in between?

When you love a person dearly and they disappoint you gravely on some days.

When you like your job but it tires you out to exhaustion at times.

When you know your friends have your back but you hesitate to reach out.

When you adore your parents but also get annoyed with them, for not holding the phone right during video calls.

When the weather is sunny but there are clouds too.

All the riches in the world, yet you lack the feeling of contentment.

When you cherish someone’s memory but won’t contact them, as you have crossed that bridge once.

When the wound has healed but the scar is determined to stay permanent.

When you are seeking answers in black and white and it’s grey.

That weird little feeling of exasperation.

Fleeting, yet impactful.

Doesn’t linger, doesn’t simmer, still burns you from inside.

A face in Canterbury

Era of flakiness

At the risk of sounding like an old grumpy grandma, I would say this: The times we are living in are extremely peripheral, with no real substance to it. I could be wrong, I would like to be wrong about this but I look around and cringe often. I’ll present in the coming days a few exhibits of the things that piss me off or push me to do a dramatic eye roll, facepalm whatever you want to call it!

Exhibit 1: Song lyrics

I was listening to this 90s Macarena song and came across a newer version called ‘Ayy Macarena’ by Tyga. The lyric goes like:

“Ayy, Macarena, Macarena, Macarena (ayy)

Put the chopper on a nigga, turn him to a sprinter (yee)

Bitches on my dick, told ’em give me one minute (one minute)

Ayy, Macarena, aight (ayy)”

Source: LyricFind

Crushing 90’s innocence much?

The new Billboard chart topper is this song called WAP that begins with.. “Whore in this house, there’s some whores in this house.”, to some thrilling beats that would make you want to dance. The rest of the song just follows suit. Excerpts:

I don’t wanna spit, I wanna gulp

I wanna gag, I wanna choke

I want you to touch that little dangly dang

That swang in the back of my throat

LyricFind

There is a Tiktok song doing the rounds called Candy by Doja Cat:

I can be your sugar when you’re fiendin’ for that sweet spot

Put me in your mouth, baby, and eat it ’til your teeth rot

I can be your cherry, apple, pecan, or your key lime

Baby I got everything and so much more than she’s got

LyricFind

There are so MANY more of these songs. I don’t say it’s inappropriate or out of line. But they sure lack taste. I don’t even know how to explain it, it’s like everything’s on the table, there is nothing more left to hide or deduce. No hidden charm to it. No such thing as innocent fun. Or naivety. And that’s where I sigh. Our world is now turned into normalising teenagers wearing skimpy clothes, doing provocative poses and prancing around to…

I’m a savage (yeah)

Classy, bougie, ratchet (yeah)

Sassy, moody, nasty (yeah)

Acting stupid, what’s happening? Bitch (what’s up?)

What’s happening? Bitch (what’s up?)

LyricFind

Some would say, Have a little fun?

To them I want to say, I do enjoy these songs and I am a part of the problem. What’s happening to the world we live in? Where are we heading?

I shall continue my rant tomorrow…

Musings #012

Unable to register my emotions these days. What am I feeling? Are there no exhilarating moments in my day? Is monotony becoming tolerable.

I am feeling a mildly negative set of emotions.

Stressed, from the incessant workload. Looks like work has become my life. Appears like the stakes are too high. Haven’t taken a leave from 8 months. It’s starting to bother me a bit.

Blank, about my travel scenes. I am supposed to fly back to India once my work gets done. But it keeps extending. It’s not in my hands and I feel that loss of control strongly, each passing day.

Moody, on some days, for no reason at all. Well anyway, when does one ever understand the complex enigma of mood swings.

Self-doubt. Have always had this thinking where I believe I am not good enough. Have not accomplished anything. Have left things in between without notice or any thought. I want to get out of this mindset.

Drained. From social media. It’s becoming even more disappointing, with every passing day. I need to shift my focus on to better things. This whole social media frenzy is a waste of time. IG, FB, Quora, Google, news and what not. I take way too many pictures on my phone. I really need to slow down.

Okay, I am done with my rant for today.

Count your blessings

These days are rare..but when they happen, i whisk away into the thought pool happily, with abandon.

On such days, I just lay back and allow myself to feel things. Overwhelmed by gratitude for everything I have been able to experience in my life.

Strong connections, great friends, some really nice people, a loving and supportive family, a caring partner.

In this age of instant gratification, we get so caught up in the day to day rush, that we forget the people we have met over our journey to this point. How at peace some moments made you feel. Places where you stayed for two three days, but felt like you belonged there.

Some utterly beautiful sunsets, some very tiring, very worthwhile walks, some long night conversations, some bonds that didn’t seem forced.

Today I am counting my blessings. I know life will throw its setbacks my way, but today I rejoice. And today, I cherish.

Dreamer

If it’s alive inside of you, it isn’t dead.

If it makes you restless, you are still at it.

If you are taking baby steps forward, well, you are still progressing.

If it doesn’t make you sleep at night, the fire is still burning.

If the idea of it gives you respite, a dry spell wouldn’t stop you.

If it resurfaces time and again, universe is directing you towards it.

If it excites you, that’s where your happiness resides.

Our dreams you see, they form our entity.

You cannot separate one from another.

You would not relinquish it even if you tried.

So, to the believers I would say…

Dream a little more.

Lazy things

Ever stalled doing things?

Calling back that good friend of yours. Finishing that long overdue book you have been reading since four months. Cooking a dish you have been meaning to for days. Parceling a gift for your parents. Start that daily exercise routine. Coming out of the jungle mode and cutting your nails. Language lessons. Decluttering your desktop folders. Putting away your old unused set of clothes. Start binging on the series you have been wanting to watch.

Having all the time in the world and still not finding time for certain things.

Stuck in a limbo?

Of late, I feel like this.

Musings #011

How does one think beyond the limits of one’s surroundings when one is confined in the same spot for a really long time. No change of scenery, no human interaction, no intimacy, no banters. I feel like my mind has frozen. Stuck in this loop of mundane activities, trying really hard to stay positive but to no avail. These bad thoughts and scary moments sneak their way in, somehow. I want this feeling of unrest to end. I would like to feel the lightness in my steps and have a zinger for my thoughts. It’s not like I am constantly sad. But I would like to be in a state of carefreeness. I know that feeling, I crave for it now more than ever. Peace in solace. Just, plain and simple peace. 🙂

<<worn out socks>>

2020..Be gentle, please.

The news broke out yesterday that Sushant Singh Rajput has died of suicide; at the age of 34; by hanging himself.

He was a famous, talented actor in the Indian film industry. For some unfathomable reason, this is feeling like a personal loss. Can’t take my mind away from it. Didn’t really follow him, wasn’t a big fan. Had watched his first movie ‘Kai Po Che!’, and remember really loving his part in it.

As any other Indian kid grown up around watching Bollywood movies, I too had know his background story. How he came from humble beginnings, how intelligent he was, with deep thoughts and how he had made it so far. And every time a person reaches great heights through hardships, knowing their story, you always root for them. Inadvertently. At the back of your mind.

So when this news hit the IG feed and group chats yesterday, it was shocking at the least. And I have been immersed in reading about it till now. To a point of exhaustion. It saddens me to think that, there came a moment in his life where he decided his life isn’t worth living. He sure must have tried every other outlet to reach this conclusion. It’s plain difficult for me to process that. His loved ones, their grief. His own anguish or helplessness that lead to this. And no matter how many discussions we have on mental health issues post his death or point fingers, it took a precious life to evoke this very heavy feeling in all of us. These troubled 3 am feelings. May he find his peace.

On that note, be kind friends. To yourself and to others.