I wouldn’t like to use this term loosely but there are days when I am more anxious than the regular days. It could be triggered by any small thing, like a bad dream, a silly Pinterest quote, something that I saw in a movie, a song. What I am learning is, each day is not the same. And some days take a lot of effort from me to stay focused. I can’t help it when the feeling kicks in but keeping my phone away helps, talking to friends helps, talking to your dear ones makes the feeling go away, writing does it too. These are strange times indeed, and then we all have our inner battles to tackle. They say, time fixes things; heals old wounds. I would just call it a bad day and go to sleep. Jittery nerves will figure their way out slowly. Steadily.
I am 30 years old. April just swooped right past me and I turned a little older a week back. I am grateful for the fact that I can work from home, get paid and only have to complain about my mood swings from time to time. I wish to see my loved ones like everyone else in this situation. I want to remove any toxic traits from my life and work on my betterment. 30 was supposed to be a big deal. It kind of is. Here’s to another decade of growing from experiences. Let life surprise me in new ways. I sleep now.
I am deciding to be productive from tomorrow. It’s a little difficult to make up your mind for something when you’re going through a problem, but baby steps could help. I have been stalling to learn French since forever. It’s been a very on again, off again relationship with the language since 3 years but I absolutely love it. And I am resolving to become fluent in it by the end of 2020. That gives me about eight months in hand. C’mon girl! You can do it.
I see the flowers and they are smiling at me. I smile back. They say to me, “Your smile is infectious. Smile often, dear girl.”
Je vois les fleurs et ils me sourient. Je souris en retour. Ils me disent: <<Ton sourire est infectieux. Souris souvent, chère fille.>>
Credits: Google Translate
The fear of losing something or someone is so inherent in me that it becomes really difficult to come out of that shell. I wouldn’t suffer, if I didn’t fear. How does one attain that level of nonchalance? Or are we, as humans, just built to bring upon self-inflicted misery to ourselves?
I terribly miss feeling self-sufficient. It would get lonely at times but I slept in peace. Woke up without stress. It’s funny, I am working towards being someone I once was. I have been writing way too many sad posts. Been paying attention to all the wrong things. There is so much beauty around to savour. It just needs the right eyes.
Who could have imagined? That we will ever experience something like this. Seems like we are playing a part in some zombie/apocalyptic/pandemic movie(last one being a reality right now). With no one on the streets; Logarithmic graphs rising exponentially. Super markets appearing to be danger zones. Masks. Gloves. Hand wash. 2 metres distance. Cough. Sneeze. News. Cooped up in home. Of course the toilet rolls. And still a long way to go.
Every thing is halted. Universe has intervened in an unprecedented manner. There must be a reason for all this. Something must have gone eerily wrong and needed a stop. Human kind is deliberated to sit and ponder. Well, so will I abide.
I am keeping it low key. Focusing on my self. One day at a time. Reading books. Staying off phone. Movies. Exercise. Funny memes. A little French learning. Simple things, you know.
Her feathers are growing back again. Fresh air is running through her lungs. Sun is beaming on to her face. And the flowers are out in full bloom. It’s not easy. It’s never easy. But every pain culminates to peace. And every day is not a cloudy day. She finds her life to be turning with the seasons. Summer passed by; Autumn was melancholic; Winters were brutal. And now, isn’t the spring around? Time to heal. Shed the toxic energy. Find some peace. Smile a little. And then, a little more.
I am losing confidence in myself. That can’t be good. I decide I am not good at something even before attempting it. Something is not right guys. This isn’t me.
And enough with the self victimization. I am growing old of it myself. Shitty things happen in life. Get over it. There will be new chapters. And better days.
Another noticeable fault in my system is that I am starting my day by looking at my phone screen. My inner angel self(you know out of the two, angel and demon) is questioning it too, ’Girl! Really? Morning with a phone screen!’. And I am not waking up with very good thoughts. Morning then really sets the tone of my day and I am anxious throughout.
I know better. I genuinely do. And I am not looking at my phone when I wake up tomorrow.
I wouldn’t try. Not even blink an eye.
Would neither complain nor say a word.
No deliberations, no hurried temptations.
This time, I will just be. Because, I know not another way.
Would smile with the wind, and cry with the rain.
Blend with the changing seasons, adapt where I didn’t belong.
Write crappy poems, and sing forlorn songs.
Spend lonely nights, go on long walks.
Will feel every emotion that’s under the sun.
But I wouldn’t try. I am done trying.
You wouldn’t believe if I lay down all my woes. You will find a way to diminish their weight. I am feeling the things I am feeling not for any other reason but that I cannot help feeling. I wish I could stop it all. I wish to go back in time where life wasn’t throwing these lessons at me. Where birds chirped and lovers squabbled. I write in angst. I write to subside the pain. That flickering ray of positivity still resides in my being. Today is just another day. And tomorrow will bring with it fresh energy.
When you’ve been sad for way too long, any moment of respite scares you. I am speaking for myself. If a person asks how am I doing and I say I am doing okay, it scares me that this is going to vanish soon. Any moment now, the panic will set in. Any moment now, the sadness will take over. Anxiety shall bare its ugly fangs upon me. So I hesitate to answer. I hesitate to acknowledge any sense of calm. Bad thoughts, negative thoughts, shoo, not right now. Not this hour.
I ain’t jubilant today but this feeling of blankness is pretty good too. It means I am making some progress.