Musings #015

Oh man!

I have been from extremely elated yesterday to feeling extremely dejected today.

I am feeling so out of my skin. There are new people in the house. Friends, family and partner are all away. Growing distant to the old friends. Growing concerned over my ageing parents. Growing complacent in a happy relationship.

It’s so difficult to safeguard one’s innocence.

Is it a human tendency to seek distress? A lot of my long standing problems got resolved yesterday. I was super relieved. And today was like a fresh canvas sort of a day. And what did I do? Absolutely wasted it away.

I have been feeling lonesome. So many people around and so alone. These changing times, constant barrage of social media, flimsy dating culture around, the need to have an opinion on everything, how much can you share, what is cool and what’s not, feeling old, friends talking about having kids, covid, zoom calls, weight gains, criticisms, trust issues, social awkwardness, life. Aaaaaarghhhhh. It’s like I am feeling pukish but in a metaphorical sense. Don’t even have a solution yet.

Body conscious

I seem to have put on a few kilos in the past few months. I have always been petite and this weight gain is a bit of a bummer. I am finding it difficult to adjust to it. At the same time, I am not really doing anything to fix it.

I turned 30 last year and the slowing metabolism is starting to show? I don’t really know. Weight was never a concern for me and now I am seeing noticeable differences.

It’s made me very self conscious. Not liking my pictures. Not feeling confident in my skin. This self pitying will have to stop at some point and will need to take some corrective actions.

Thought I’ll say it out loud.

Musings #014

The wait has been so long, I cannot bother to recall. My thoughts are haywire and my actions discomposed. My words are in between a pile of mess.

So close to something one has longed for a while. The warmth one has almost forgotten, so much that the thought of revisiting it unsettles me a little. There is an air of nervousness around. A struggle dealt with for a long time alone.

How does one share the bliss when a journey of woes has been traversed alone. It doesn’t seem balanced. I find myself incapable of expressing my emotions of late. Overwhelmed? Perhaps. Anxious? In abundance.

Time does a lot of things. It makes you forget how you once felt. Be it good or bad. And that’s a bit of irony. It would be quite right to say that at times, words simply fail to assist. A few feelings are too fervent to be moulded into words.

Haze

Grey

Some days, it hurts a little more. And some days, I don’t feel like getting out of the bed.

A bad dream started my day on a bad note. I was perturbed for the rest of the day, without an explanation. I remained quiet, no outbursts. A snarky remark here and there, but no outbursts. And then, the feeling spiralled down to worse. With me having no hold of it.

And my day is ending badly too. Restless, annoyed, angry at something. I am a bit worried about the future. I am a little unsatisfied with the present. Stuck with a pertinent thought that’s not ready to leave me. Ignoring it, brushing it under the rug, facing it. The feeling doesn’t go away. It just wouldn’t. I can tell it’s getting better over time, but something innocent is ruined. It upsets me a lot.

I wouldn’t think about it for days and then bam it would hit me. The worse side-effect of this is that I have started disregarding the way people feel. I am becoming a little mean because I have started to believe that everyone is selfish. No deed is selfless. Kindness is layered too.

Being a person who endorses colors, I am hating this shade of grey.

Musings #013

Oh my God. Could some people just get on your nerves? Or some days, do you find yourself just really short on tolerance? Everyone disappoints you at some point and you prick them likewise.

So how do you find composure when you are agitated? How do you find the balance with loving someone and also accepting their follies? There is no perfect human made for us. Your friends, your loved ones, your family, they all fall short on something. And you do too. Because we as humans have a very delusional state of perfection. We want everything. And then we find flaws even in the best of circumstances. It’s like we were designed to be unsatisfied. To complain. To focus on the pitfalls.

Can’t rest with a moment of peace. Some disruption. Something to bother you. That’s how life rolls. Even in joy, some misery is essential.

Toothpaste

Oh well.

In today’s episode of arbitrary musings, we have,

What’s the deal with toothpaste tubes?

It’s a regular squeeze for half of its life time and pure battle for the rest of it.

Whoever thought…. “Let me make it more difficult than it should be.” I have an issue with this weird utility product.

For starters they are slightly over priced than the remaining of your groceries. I don’t mind that so much, however, the struggle to use it to its last bit is so real.

What do I even do? After squeezing the hell out of it, I still know there’s plenty left. My Asian instincts to not waste kick in, so I squeeze it for a few more days. And there is still more.

At the risk of sounding petty, I have often contemplated cutting it using a blade and using the remanants of it but never really got there. Would always wonder how much of it goes to waste.

So I replace it with a new tube, going through a tiny guilt trip, every time I throw the used one into the bin.

There’s clearly some unfinished business between us.

Wounded

Aaaarghhhh…I am frustrated.

I can list down the reasons but cannot really explain why. It’s just a mix of everything.

Nothing seems completely right. I seem to be losing my touch. What do you do when you face your flaws? When you realise your shortcomings. When some people point it out to you. Or may be even bring it out in you.

I would like to wade off negativity. Some things just pull you down and I don’t want to waste my time over them. A sense of purposelessness prevails. Nothing is bringing pure joy or even a whole hearted smile. I am changing for the worse. I don’t feel myself, now that I am not exuding positive energy.

Mann karta hai bhaag jaun kahin. Akele.

I wish to run away somewhere, that is. Alone.

What a respite it would be, to not be answerable to anyone, not to compromise, not to fidget, not to struggle, or utter words out of spite.

Heal first, if you are wounded, before correcting the things around you. Find your light first. Seek and ye shall find.

Who’s to rescue?

You have that effect on me.

The butterflies fluttering, the warm fuzzy feeling evoking, smiling from the stomach, feeling at home kind of effect. It’s difficult to express as I am bad at expressing myself. But it would be nice if you could pay a visit to the inner workings of my mind. You would have a clue.

Once bitten, twice shy. And I am shy this time around. That feeling of unabashed, reckless abandon has been snatched from me and it saddens me quite a lot. I am discreet now. Not by nature but through a force of habit maybe? It is what it is, and I cannot hold on to a certain way I used to feel.

Could something that has been besmirched, still hold value? Could one truly relish oneself, for what they are? It’s a battle between self-worth and being compassionate. Path to seeking forgiveness could be very difficult but the path to forgive isn’t a cake walk either. The mind understands but the heart cannot accept. Such quandary! Such difficult inner battles.

In betweens

What does one do with the momentary thoughts in between?

When you love a person dearly and they disappoint you gravely on some days.

When you like your job but it tires you out to exhaustion at times.

When you know your friends have your back but you hesitate to reach out.

When you adore your parents but also get annoyed with them, for not holding the phone right during video calls.

When the weather is sunny but there are clouds too.

All the riches in the world, yet you lack the feeling of contentment.

When you cherish someone’s memory but won’t contact them, as you have crossed that bridge once.

When the wound has healed but the scar is determined to stay permanent.

When you are seeking answers in black and white and it’s grey.

That weird little feeling of exasperation.

Fleeting, yet impactful.

Doesn’t linger, doesn’t simmer, still burns you from inside.

A face in Canterbury

Era of flakiness

At the risk of sounding like an old grumpy grandma, I would say this: The times we are living in are extremely peripheral, with no real substance to it. I could be wrong, I would like to be wrong about this but I look around and cringe often. I’ll present in the coming days a few exhibits of the things that piss me off or push me to do a dramatic eye roll, facepalm whatever you want to call it!

Exhibit 1: Song lyrics

I was listening to this 90s Macarena song and came across a newer version called ‘Ayy Macarena’ by Tyga. The lyric goes like:

“Ayy, Macarena, Macarena, Macarena (ayy)

Put the chopper on a nigga, turn him to a sprinter (yee)

Bitches on my dick, told ’em give me one minute (one minute)

Ayy, Macarena, aight (ayy)”

Source: LyricFind

Crushing 90’s innocence much?

The new Billboard chart topper is this song called WAP that begins with.. “Whore in this house, there’s some whores in this house.”, to some thrilling beats that would make you want to dance. The rest of the song just follows suit. Excerpts:

I don’t wanna spit, I wanna gulp

I wanna gag, I wanna choke

I want you to touch that little dangly dang

That swang in the back of my throat

LyricFind

There is a Tiktok song doing the rounds called Candy by Doja Cat:

I can be your sugar when you’re fiendin’ for that sweet spot

Put me in your mouth, baby, and eat it ’til your teeth rot

I can be your cherry, apple, pecan, or your key lime

Baby I got everything and so much more than she’s got

LyricFind

There are so MANY more of these songs. I don’t say it’s inappropriate or out of line. But they sure lack taste. I don’t even know how to explain it, it’s like everything’s on the table, there is nothing more left to hide or deduce. No hidden charm to it. No such thing as innocent fun. Or naivety. And that’s where I sigh. Our world is now turned into normalising teenagers wearing skimpy clothes, doing provocative poses and prancing around to…

I’m a savage (yeah)

Classy, bougie, ratchet (yeah)

Sassy, moody, nasty (yeah)

Acting stupid, what’s happening? Bitch (what’s up?)

What’s happening? Bitch (what’s up?)

LyricFind

Some would say, Have a little fun?

To them I want to say, I do enjoy these songs and I am a part of the problem. What’s happening to the world we live in? Where are we heading?

I shall continue my rant tomorrow…