Some days, it hurts a little more. And some days, I don’t feel like getting out of the bed.

A bad dream started my day on a bad note. I was perturbed for the rest of the day, without an explanation. I remained quiet, no outbursts. A snarky remark here and there, but no outbursts. And then, the feeling spiralled down to worse. With me having no hold of it.

And my day is ending badly too. Restless, annoyed, angry at something. I am a bit worried about the future. I am a little unsatisfied with the present. Stuck with a pertinent thought that’s not ready to leave me. Ignoring it, brushing it under the rug, facing it. The feeling doesn’t go away. It just wouldn’t. I can tell it’s getting better over time, but something innocent is ruined. It upsets me a lot.

I wouldn’t think about it for days and then bam it would hit me. The worse side-effect of this is that I have started disregarding the way people feel. I am becoming a little mean because I have started to believe that everyone is selfish. No deed is selfless. Kindness is layered too.

Being a person who endorses colors, I am hating this shade of grey.

2 thoughts on “Grey

  1. You really got me thinking. I appreciate your article.

    “The essential self is innocent, and when it tastes its own innocence knows that it lives for ever.” – John Updike

    What would love be without being loved with our flaws, our selfishness, our greyness?

    It is impossible to lose our innocence because it is our underlying essential self regardless of our limiting beliefs, which we acquire mostly from society. We are innocent regardless of our flaws, regardless of what society teaches us about ourselves which is not true.

    Some say the price of wisdom is the loss of innocence, but I disagree. In wisdom there is innocence, because in wisdom there is discernment, not judgment which brings shame and guilt. Discernment brings a choice for peace, beauty, harmony, and love. Anything other than love is viewed in contrast to its opposite, fear, like grey or darkness is in contrast to black and white.

    I prefer darkness to the light or whiteness. I always live with anxiety. In darkness I can relax. In the “white” I feel tense and anxious as if I am required to see more of something or do something or see God. All I see is white or nothingness.

    I admire the artist who paints on white canvas. The creation begins within the artist’s thoughts, which can be grey or dark. The artist’s thoughts could have been about beauty or pain. What begins as greyness in thought is represented by the smearing of colors on a palate before touching the canvas, becoming visibly colorful. The process is more meaningful than the product or painting.

    Don’t we similarly create our experiences in each moment?

  2. There are those days that seem to suck especially hard. I hope this one leaves you with enough energy to regroup and tackle the next one better. Take care. (And, yes, grey is the worst shade in people…)

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