Musings #112

How does one think beyond the limits of one’s surroundings when one is confined in the same spot for a really long time. No change of scenery, no human interaction, no intimacy, no banters. I feel like my mind has frozen. Stuck in this loop of mundane activities, trying really hard to stay positive but to no avail. These bad thoughts and scary moments sneak their way in, somehow. I want this feeling of unrest to end. I would like to feel the lightness in my steps and have a zinger for my thoughts. It’s not like I am constantly sad. But I would like to be in a state of carefreeness. I know that feeling, I crave for it now more than ever. Peace in solace. Just, plain and simple peace. 🙂

<<worn out socks>>

2020..Be gentle, please.

The news broke out yesterday that Sushant Singh Rajput has died of suicide; at the age of 34; by hanging himself.

He was a famous, talented actor in the Indian film industry. For some unfathomable reason, this is feeling like a personal loss. Can’t take my mind away from it. Didn’t really follow him, wasn’t a big fan. Had watched his first movie ‘Kai Po Che!’, and remember really loving his part in it.

As any other Indian kid grown up around watching Bollywood movies, I too had know his background story. How he came from humble beginnings, how intelligent he was, with deep thoughts and how he had made it so far. And every time a person reaches great heights through hardships, knowing their story, you always root for them. Inadvertently. At the back of your mind.

So when this news hit the IG feed and group chats yesterday, it was shocking at the least. And I have been immersed in reading about it till now. To a point of exhaustion. It saddens me to think that, there came a moment in his life where he decided his life isn’t worth living. He sure must have tried every other outlet to reach this conclusion. It’s plain difficult for me to process that. His loved ones, their grief. His own anguish or helplessness that lead to this. And no matter how many discussions we have on mental health issues post his death or point fingers, it took a precious life to evoke this very heavy feeling in all of us. These troubled 3 am feelings. May he find his peace.

On that note, be kind friends. To yourself and to others.

Educating myself

I have been watching these shows, movies, relevant to the ongoing movement on black lives matter. There is a lot to learn, a lot to understand, a lot to feel. As an Indian person, sitting in the UK, watching what’s happening in America, I can only say that I am not well apprised to put across the right words. I see the protests, I read the dialogues, I hear the enraged voices. What’s happening to black people doesn’t feel right. It appears to be wrong at a very basic level.

I have watched some really interesting things on Netflix so far:

– 13th

– When they see us

– 12 Years a slave

– What Happened, Miss Simone?

– Dear White People

– Sweet Karamo in the Queer Eye(this one is just to feel good)

Some things are too difficult to watch, but I think we need to see them even if it makes us uncomfortable. It’s the reality a large group of people have lived for so long. And we can’t put a blind eye on it.

A movement is on the uprising, and I wish the next decade is a wave of progressive change in our world.

Self Pity Sessions

Sometimes I feel so suffocated, it becomes hard to breathe.
When did I become this utterly sad piece of shit?!
I have no peace of mind.
Have been completely disrespecting myself over the past two years.
There has been so much self-doubt that I have lost track of my real self.
And it is becoming so damn difficult to come out of that mindset.
I write this in despair. What do I need to eliminate?
Ruminating over the past.
Feeling weak.
Being sad that life didn’t turn out as I had imagined.
Letting someone ruin my happiness. I am better than that. C’mon!

A major heap of realization came my way, that people are selfish and you have to fend for yourself.
I am genuinely very sad. That’s all I am feeling at the moment.
Things will never be the same again.
And I have to start afresh.