Musings #010

What do you do when you can’t help feeling a certain kind of way? There is no right or wrong to it. But you end up feeling helpless, at the mercy of your own will. I am realising that moving past a mistake is difficult. You know that’s the only way out of your misery. But you can’t seem to do it anyway. The feeling erupts unannounced, and leaves you disappointed over the progress you have made. Makes you feel that you’ll never move on. But you know you will move on. Just need to figure out how. Can’t be impossible, isn’t it?

Non-confrontational

Feelings. A very risky business. You catch them unawares. You lose them without notice. You can’t really help feeling a certain way, try as you may.

Change is imminent. But it’s those few days before the change when you’re feeling too many things.

A sweet kind of sadness lingering in the air. The helplessness to be slightly out of control. The fear of uncertainty. Where is this life heading towards next? You feel each moment a little too deeply. Things that were once quotidian present themselves in a totally different light. You smile, you cry. You lose this non-confrontational battle with your feelings. What would follow next is reminiscence. What would follow next are the challenges.

The sun rises another day, in another land and you brace yourself with the hope that it will only get better.

Attention

Am I writing for the likes?

Posting photos for the views?

Living for the heck of it

And loving for attention?

Am I incapable of deep thought?

Am I too simple to be complex?

Is complexity the only mystique thing?

And am I seeking to be mystique then?

No vices make the virtue look boring

Am I overly consumed in my virtues?

And too self-centred to notice?

Or am I getting carried away with opinions again?

Paranoia

I wouldn’t like to use this term loosely but there are days when I am more anxious than the regular days. It could be triggered by any small thing, like a bad dream, a silly Pinterest quote, something that I saw in a movie, a song. What I am learning is, each day is not the same. And some days take a lot of effort from me to stay focused. I can’t help it when the feeling kicks in but keeping my phone away helps, talking to friends helps, talking to your dear ones makes the feeling go away, writing does it too. These are strange times indeed, and then we all have our inner battles to tackle. They say, time fixes things; heals old wounds. I would just call it a bad day and go to sleep. Jittery nerves will figure their way out slowly. Steadily.

Three-O

I am 30 years old. April just swooped right past me and I turned a little older a week back. I am grateful for the fact that I can work from home, get paid and only have to complain about my mood swings from time to time. I wish to see my loved ones like everyone else in this situation. I want to remove any toxic traits from my life and work on my betterment. 30 was supposed to be a big deal. It kind of is. Here’s to another decade of growing from experiences. Let life surprise me in new ways. I sleep now.