I haven’t been myself for over a year. Could you imagine?

It’s come to a point where I can no longer sensibly process my thoughts. I feel weak. I feel fragile. Broken. Small. Ashamed. Insecure. Incapable. Worthless. Lost. SAD. Anxious. Confused. Did I mention weak already?

Oh my god! From being my own motivator to see myself like this, it kind of makes me want to say a huge SORRY to myself. So that’s what I am going to do right now. I am going to apologize to myself and you could be party to it.

  • I am sorry for giving too much of myself away to be with someone.
  • I am sorry for not caring about my health enough or can I say at all.
  • I am sorry to let another person’s view affect my sense of belief.
  • I am sorry to cry about something mean someone said out of their own fears.
  • I am sorry to have thought so small of myself.
  • I am sorry that people aren’t always nice and that in turn shouldn’t turn you bitter.
  • I am sorry for not relishing what I have.
  • I am sorry for not counting my blessings.
  • I am sorry for overlooking the problems faced by the people around me.
  • I am sorry for having dark circles around my eyes and a loss of weight, a loss of appetite,  a loss of interest in things.
  • I am sorry, every time my ears flared up out of anxiety, moments of immense trepidation, insecurity, I am sorry I let someone’s action control me like that.
  • I am sorry to have become so dependent.
  • I am sorry to have my happiness taken lightly.
  • I am sorry to have myself be taken lightly.
  • I am sorry for locking myself in my room, for not stepping out for two days.
  • I am sorry for giving up on all my hobbies.
  • I am sorry to have cried endlessly and stressing myself to sleep.
  • I am sorry to have woken up depressed.
  • I am sorry for being inconsiderate because of my own mental struggles.
  • I am sorry for losing control of myself.
  • I am sorry for obsessing about something not worth obsessing.
  • I am sorry for giving others power over me.
  • I am sorry to have forgotten my worth, to all the moments of self-doubt.

I am sorry, I am really, really sorry you amazing, caring, loving, harmless, strong, independent, resilient, patient, smart, wise, quirky piece of a human being. I am sorry to put you in the back seat.

From here on, each day, every day, I am going to work towards building myself again. Be kind. And reflect my happy energy on to others. There is enough sadness and grief and complications in this life. Not just for me, for everyone around me. And I am going to treat everyone better, including myself.

9 thoughts on “Replenishment

  1. It sounds like you really lost your true self for a while there. The people with the biggest problems are the ones who do not acknowledge their problems. You, however, are fully aware of your shortcomings in the past and have appropriately apologized to the “real/true you”. The next step is to not only stay focused on what has gone wrong, but to learn from it and plan for the future.

    i.e. It’s fine to say ” I am going to work towards building myself again.”, but how are you going to do it?

    A suggestion is to take all the negatives you have listed in your Post, and then take them one at a time and determine what needs to be done to stay true to yourself. You will end up with a plan for each one and, while some can be addressed immediately, it may be beneficial to put some on-hold for a while. For example, there may not be an instant solution to obsessing over trivial matters. First you would need to define what “trivial” includes. You should obsess over your personal health, but you should not obsess over pleasing everybody you work with. Just some thoughts.

    Acknowledging your issues is a major step forward, and for that you should be very pleased with yourself. All the very best in your journey through life from this point on. 🙂

    • Thanks a lot Colin!
      You have always been very kind with your words. I am dealing with this one day at a time. Trying not to fret over things. I am trying to learn the difference between what’s worth my attention and what’s not. I can tell it is helping in some way. Slow progress but some progress.

      • Progress is to be celebrated. Speed of progress is unimportant. If you are familiar with the “Tortoise and the Hare” story, you will understand. Also remember that the ONLY person whose approval you need is your own. Everybody else is secondary. Another quote that I really like for these circumstances where you could be making decisions that are questioned by others – “Those who matter won’t mind. Those who mind won’t matter.” You quickly find out who your true friends are! Keep going … and keep smiling (it keeps the rest of the world guessing!) 🙂

  2. Hooray for the new you!! It sounds like you have left the worst behind you in the rear view mirror, and things will definitely get better with this new beginning. Do not give up.

  3. It takes a lot of introspection and courage to state all that you have done in this post.

    I have turned to anchors in times like this- they help me bring about a positive change, howsoever minute and fleeting it maybe. These can be activities that help me work on becoming a better person or just reaching out to that friend who knows me in and out. I have found that these work best for me. Can you identify similar anchors in your life? And you needn’t answer this question, if you don’t want to 🙂

    I hope you are feeling better now. Cheers! 🙂

    • This made me smile. I do have anchors, however I sometimes feel learning to be self-contained is a skill I would like to cultivate. It’s affirming and brave if you could pick yourself up after a shitty day or episode etc. Your anchors certainly help. Thanks for taking your time!

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