I will drain myself to the point of no sensitivity. I will juggle, hurdle…turmoil for days. I will put out all that is there in my heart to see. I’ll untangle my pieces from a criss-cross puzzle and lay them apart on a pristine blank page. Won’t leave a centimetre cube space for any intricacies or complicacies. I’ll go with the flow, I’ll be in the moment. Won’t drop a tear. I’ll be lost and still be sane. I’ll smile a million bucks smile. I’ll be happy as every other happy Jack, Jill and Joe. May be I’ll turn into someone totally new, nothing akin to what I was with you. Will you escape my mind then? Given to all my efforts. I am afraid, not.
Why do we have this constant need for approval? This thought running subtly in the background, to prove. Every small thing. My job should speak of the money I am earning. My clothes have to be super dandy! I am not dumb, I know current affairs. I am not emotionally unstable, I eat and sleep and interact. I work hard, just go through my schedule.
I have to make a point!
What will they think?
Whatever share of life you are living, why the need to stamp it with approval or in better words, why strive to prove? People will come, give a comment or two and move on. You don’t have to rub your brains around why they said it. They haven’t stated a fact; it is only one opinion. And a person saying, you have it easy doesn’t really make anything easy for you. Just be strong, trust your instincts. Give yourself a chance to believe that you are not half as bad. And you don’t need anyone’s consent for this. Good day!
Should I stop conversing because the negativity turns me down? I think I talk less to people because I don’t know what they might say next to piss me off. Yes, a totally wrong approach. But I stay rather at peace without the struggle to understand motives behind other’s words. No matter how well you know the person, they have this dorky side they will present you with and then you question your own sanity for being friends with such a dork! I guess something is wrong with my internal wiring, that in my hunky dory state I scavenge and find reasons to turn blue. Yes, sadness is way more poetic and all things beautiful. If you want you can forever swim in that ocean but try diving into the happiness pond please! Try soaking in the sun with all its radiance and warmth. You are sufficient. Aren’t you? Chuck naysayers. I want to say fuck…okay fuck them. Peace out.
One day, when you look back, it will all make sense. The happenings, mishappenings. Your staleness and exuberance. Triviality and enormity of the events around you. It will all come rushing in as a huge palpable epiphany. However, this isn’t the time to seek sense. For now, angels in the sky hint: keep striding forward. Don’t wince. Smile if you may. Because one day, when you look back, you’ll find a million reasons to.
How wicked are some memories. Every time I laugh reminiscing something about you, a tear bulges out uninvited too. It is strange how in retrospect, one tends to recall the good times alone. Yeah the bad times haunt us too, but mostly unintentionally. Happy memories take you to a safe space. Somewhere back to a time where comfort came as easy as your present level of discomfort is.
How unethical are some memories. They don’t choose a place or occasion. They don’t give you a notice ahead. You would be relishing a coffee with your friends, laughing and Bammm! You would distract yourself for a moment in an office meeting and slam! You are watching/reading something totally out of context on net; lo and behold! Don’t even talk about the long drives. They are like uncertified passage to memory lanes.
Come to think of it, how truculent are memories. They won’t shut their voices inside your head. They won’t budge, they won’t give in, don’t know what they aim for. Do they mean to weaken you? I guess not.
YES it is healthy, sane, advisable to live in the present. If it were in my hands, I would never let you become a past to memorize. Would devour you daily in bits and pieces. However, a present without you it is. And incomplete in its essence.
Friday night. Wintery vibes.
Laziness sinking in.
Words ringing in, rest, repose, peace, calm, relief, phew, wow.
Some may have super fun plans ahead.
Some are already daunted by the idea of boredom in no company(c’mon you guys).
Some are going to revel in crowd, socialize, catch up, mingle.
Some would need their own space, coffee, novel, bed, a day to kill.
For some weekend is no different from other days.
While others are screaming TGIF! TGIF!
Fridays are my favorite.
Plan or no plans, they give me ample reasons to rejoice.
Don’t we just wait for them all week and push all our lump of activities to be done in the next two days!
Hair cut, laundry, movie, shopping, outing, eating, boozing, cleaning, meeting: weekend..weekend..weekend.
For this weekend, I am really looking forward to my extended sleeps, the pizza I am going to savour, painting my nails, cleaning up my room, may be cooking something. Okay let’s not plan way ahead!
I am glad you have arrived.
Love you Fridaysss!!!
We lived a moment of sheer joy. There was peace, there was ecstasy. There was fire, there was warmth. Your arms were a safe haven for me. My frailty did good to your virility. Yes, it was almost picture perfect. Now, you want to talk about it? I say, don’t ruin it for me. Why kill something by stretching it too far. Moments are not a ductile tape. Let them be intact. Let’s not defame it from our words, our logical reasonings, our shallow promises, our moral compasses. I can’t stand you falsely wanting for me and pretension is not my forte. Let’s take a place in each other’s memory and move ahead. You need to understand, we are not Romeo and Juliet. We are only some transitory outcomes of our impulsive indiscretions. Brutal but true.
Sometimes I am baffled at the meaninglessness of my own existence. How little significance do I hold? How miniscule a drop I am in this ocean of a vast diversified human kind. Every one is busy with their life. If I laugh a little more one day or cry a little longer the next day, who would it affect? Each person has his own story. My story would coincide with some, but each one of us have our own shit to handle. Each one is tackling his/her own struggles . How does it matter what ice cream flavour I like or which colour is my most favourite? Some days things seem magnificently trivial to me. Like nothing matters at all.
On such hope-deprived days, I reshuffle my head. Must do. And I foster the courage to tell myself: it is one life I have been given. Be it a drop; let it mean nothing to no one. I have to, have to live it to the fullest. If and when I am remembered later on(like when I am dead), people should be like, oh! She loved with her heart and oh! She lived like there was no tomorrow..and oh! She was unstoppable…and oh this and oh that! How perfectly awesome would that be! For the sake of some after-life praise, why don’t I start valuing my present? Just saying. Some people are so darn positive they have sun rising up from their asses, the least I could do is endeavour to live life happily.
Roots. Places you belong to. The home where your heart is. Roads that you have treaded for years, time and again. People who have shaped what you are today. Surroundings where your childhood crackled; your teenage strolled, snooping and sneaking. The laughter, the fights. You have been through it all, right here. Your base foundation. The soil whose scent you cannot wane. A place that holds memories so many, you can’t ever finish recollecting.
We tend to drift away. We change and grow and evolve. We meet new people, see new places, plan on seeing newer places. Move to greener pastures and similar stuff. Our roots though, they are instilled like how salt dissolves into water. Not much to say today. Just that, NEVER forget your roots people.
I scroll through my cell phone. There is this neediness in me seeking one person I can talk my heart out to. I realize it is not going to help. In silent introspection, it dawns upon me that I am not seeking someone. I am only yearning for you. It makes sense too. How could a Lime Soda quench one’s thirst for Coke? Sure it will keep me full for a while but it won’t work as right. So I leave my cell as it is. Truly speaking, I am not even yearning. You have left me convincingly destructed though. Come and see for yourself.
When people decide to leave you, why don’t they leave a manual behind with “What to do next?” notes. How exasperating it is to toil day and night, smile, talk, engage and then look down at your hands, close your eyes and say to yourself, it is fine; you’ll be fine. Yeah people who care, they say, don’t romanticize your situation girl! But I will ask, why not? How do I not? It is coming to me naturally. The agony. The trouble. The restlessness. The sleeplessness. The craziness. The abruptness. Each one attacking like a storm. I feel like some abandoned bad habit. Actually, no. Even bad habits get their own time to wane. So what happens now? Of people like me, who dig too deep emotionally? Till I don’t find an answer, I will keep shutting my eyes and reassuring myself, it’s alright. It is all fine.