The world is such a strange place, it allows existence of contradictory things. Love coexists along with hatred. Restlessness coexists with patience. Loneliness walks aside even in company of others. Even the rich feel something is amiss and less fortunate revel in all content.We get what we want and still crave for more. We care and still hesitate to show. Summers bring memories of rains. And rains don’t stop waiting for the winters. Skinny like to eat and sad ones heartily smile. That reminds me….never should we prejudice or hold any preconceived notions. There are surprises waiting on every step we take!
Came to a pizza outlet..sitting there..waiting for my order…could have had it home delivered..but I always come instead. I like going through the added trouble..makes it worth the wait may be..and no I am not going to blog about my every waking activity..:D..but coming here gives me minutes to think..a friend of mine disconnected himself from all social media..whatsapp etc..he says it consumes his time..another friend says she wants some me time..she will go and sit by the beaches for hours..I guess this can count as one of my odd habits..coming alone, sitting, staring, waiting. Don’t know, I kind of like it.
As a child, my mom used to instigate me for every little activity. Beta wake up…Kido! Get ready for school..don’t leave before having breakfast…one more bite…yes this is the last bite etc etc..I have vague happy memories of it. Now that I am a grown up girl (don’t quite like calling myself a woman yet), I do things on my accord. Wake up when I want….sleep if I want to…eat, drink…sing..bath…all on my wish. I think I was way more organized when handled by my mom. Now I am just a living example of disorientation. Effortlessly messy if you want to call it. This is how I have been for a past few months.
So lately, I met this guy who I am kind of attracted to (haven’t fully disclosed it though 😛 ) and for some reason he has brought discipline back to my life. He hasn’t urged me for anything…but as a part of routine I am back to cooking again…reading again..grocery shopping! Arranging, cleaning..more importantly eating…I got way too lax on eating. I am surprised. I don’t even tell him any of this. But he is making me human again, if that makes any sense. I reckon that is something to dig for. :D.
Out of sight, yet not out of mind. Whatever happened to the old school romance?! Where you could have stayed far and still content with the hope of meeting again. Where long distances didn’t give people jitters. Where arrival of a letter from your loved one paced your heart beat. Where trust was never an issue. Where love was expressed through gestures and not pontifical social media posts. I suppose deep inside everyone craves for simplicity. Atleast I do. I am a sucker for those genuine smiles, timid eye contacts and heartfelt words. Distances don’t scare me, detachment does. I wonder why am I thinking of all this now. Or writing about it. I wonder how many stories have been left unfinished or got ended due to this stupid stupid modern times relationship rulebook. I wonder how many stories still wander around and wish if distances couldn’t have played the villain role in them..#in a pensive mood.
I feel a little normal these days. It is like I was going through some inexplicably difficult time and now things are settling..not settling but fading may be. Getting less intense. Time works like a bandage..has anyone said it before? Or I am coining this quote.
Today, I had a hands-on experience of how it feels when you are broke. I was doing my usual thoughtless, sporadic, in-the-moment kind of shopping. First swipe done, second swipe done…third time around the swipe machine buzzed for my card…payment declined…it was exactly how they show in movies, when a person is on the verge of a financial crisis. I was like :o!! Good lord! And it hit me like a tiny little lightning bolt that I am low on balance. I guess I needed this. :D. To put some sense to my brains and reduce on the expenses. Dear next month’s salary, I’ll be gentle on you. That being said, I guess it is human to get utterly broke in your lifetime once. Sensibility on saving money is one of the last things I will attain as an adult. Signing off. 2.25 am. I need some sleep.
I am free. I choose. I decide. I stride. I falter. I even fall. And I rise. I cry and I laugh. I worry. I ignore. I hold on to. I let go. I smile. I pray. I think. I walk. I live in the moment. I gasp for air. I love. I endure. I scribble. I juggle. I sustain. I try. I am. I just am. Let me be.
What to do when you are turning into this impatient, restless person (which deep down you know you are) and you don’t want to because it is wrong may be..you have been there..done that so many times before, and again the trap is all set. I hate to be this version of me. Where I ponder and look at my cell phone screen..another text..another call? Simply hate it. And yet somehow I wind up being this person. Then again, what if a person accepts you with all these annoying habits. And talks to you as if it’s as easy as breathing air. You complain, he kisses. You question, he babes you. You try not to wait(while actually waiting) and he turns up. Don’t need a man of steel, but a man of patience may be. :).
I could have waited till the end of time…till what they call eternity…till what could have seemed forever..till time lost its meaning..I really could have. But you never asked. My shredded pieces did yearn. My tears lost touch with eyes and kept falling for my cheeks. I would be startled thinking..what the fuck is wrong with them! I know you didn’t mean any harm, but you did plenty. Now when I am healing or so it seems, I only want peace and quiet. Harmony..is that too much to ask for?
You know what they say, every end has a new beginning. May we stay etched in time. May we grow past this and wish each other well. May we last in parallel universes. :).
One of those days when you feel things are moving way too fast…I don’t know if it is wrong, but it feels so damn right. Good things frighten me a little these days. Lots of what ifs come into my head. Paranoid is the term. I am breathing slow and smiling and just letting moments happen. I am kind of happy too, but scared to admit it.
So anyway my mind will continue playing its twist tales. Meanwhile, I went on a trip with my girl friends last week. No last to last week. And life has been so busy ever since I returned, I have no effin’ track of how days are flying. It was a weekend trip to Wayanad, Kerala. What to say…scenic..rejuvenating..made me breathe back to life. We were lost in the lap of nature. Trekking, camping, cycling, mud, leeches, water bodies, rains, cuisines and what not. Fantastically delightful. Travelling is fun. Makes a hole in your pocket but still fun.
Much like my present state of mind, this post is coming out random too. I am not speculating much. If I am happy I guess I deserve little bit of that. :). Will continue with more sensible talks soon.