Chocolate pastries are my respite these days. They are really perking me up. I am learning to deal with trauma. Now calling my situation trauma makes it outright stupid. :D. I am dealing with something though. Learning how to be with myself. Laughing at my own stupidities. Massive shoe shopping(don’t know what’s up with that!!!). Trying out new things..like for instance green food..spinach. I am totally aversive to it, so it’s kind of a big deal. I cooked after a decade..well after a sabbatical atleast. And i burnt it. My food. Yesterday. I was in some other zone..forgot to pour water. Came to another room. And then I am hearing noises..chht…ppttt…tktt…you know of burning..held my head in shock. My frying pan all black. What is that expression….face palm for myself!
It’s cool. It’s alright. I mean life in general. I never write on anything in particular..you know..news..politics..sports. Neither do I probe into the fiction zone. Not quite sure what I do here. It does make me happy though..when I read about people going through different phenomenons in their lives and to realize that I am just one of them. People go through worst and still manage to smile. Assures me that it’s okay to be sparkly on some days and laggardly on others. :). It’s all in the moments. What you make of the moments.
How is it that we don’t talk and yet I feel connected to you. Like we are stars that emerged from the same interstellar dust of cloud and our bond won’t break by the distances or the silence between us. We were very alike, synced. How is it that I am not mad at you. How does it not bother me if you are doing things that once made me flinch. Why does your absense feel eerie? Why don’t we unhitch? May be we have and I am hanging on to the last filaments. May be we never will. Uncertainities have become my second name. And yet, there is peace amongst all the chaos.
You gain some..you lose some. One of those days..sorry nights..when your mind wants to rest. And at the same time wants to reshuffle things. I feel catastrophically detached at this particular moment and I am even witnessing glimpses of vulnerability in my disposition. Some strange dichotomy of behaviour entrapping my existence. Well, something or someone made me reluctant to write again but here I am. How does it matter if what I am doing engulfs me so much that it vanishes me. What’s so wrong about vanishing?! Infact currently it’s seeming like a good option to me. I don’t want to sound negative but the above lines are connoting my feelings in that light. Anyway, no huge deal. The deal is, I don’t want to change myself. I guess surroundings are coercing that out of me but I don’t want to change. I can’t be stoical and I cannot be apathetic. Let me be affected by sadness or joys. Let me react and smile and cry. I am not sure why I am uttering these lump of goofball talks. My chin is bruised today. Reasons galore. And I thought it would be a good idea to mark this day. Just for reminiscence. :).
What do writers do? Do they think a lot…do they travel a lot…do they feel passionately about something…have they suffered a lot..I don’t even call myself a writer..but I am curious to know. I wonder how I still haven’t found my footing. I am in the middle of things…I am trying this..and doing that…I haven’t yet pursued anything with utmost passion. I have a job and I do it seriously, but passionate? I just find things interesting. In that moment of interest I might seem really boosted up..and into it. And then my interest wanes. Does that make me a halka-fulka(that is hindi for light weight) person? Am I too frivolous to be taken seriously. Probably because I never take myself seriously? Motivational talks don’t work on me. They might hold me captivated for a week and then it’s all downhill from there. At this moment I feel I am being more words and lesser action. What if I stick onto something even after my interest has faded. Yeah..that won’t work right. I don’t know I talk here as if I am talking one on one to people. :P. I always write things like..keep it simple..take it light…may be I need to get serious about something. Really follow it up with discipline. I read someone’s status the other day: find that one thing you love and let it kill you. Humm. Food for thought?!
Even though I survived this Valentines in flying colors, today is not such a good day. May be the repercussions of having so much fun. I’ll be honest here. I escaped from my nest. I knew I couldn’t handle it alone so I went to be with my girlfriends(there are two). We had finger licking yummy food…and we went for a romantic sort of movie and we dolled up and went to some disc and danced past midnight. We were bouncing and shaking and shouting and giving all kind of sexy moves without the company of any guy in particular. It was awesome! Yeah add on: There was this cute British guy who was hovering around after the dance. You know eye glances..small talks…sending signals..:D..so to sum it up we were even hit on that night. I didn’t ask his name..neither did he. Should have definitely asked the name! So anyway…Sunday came and fun continued with India winning against Pakistan in its first World cup match this season. There are lot of sentiments attached in us Indians when it comes to India Pak cricket match. We have got to win! I mean got to! And we did win! :). Then had coffee. And so many snaps. Happy. Fun. Moments.
So what’s wrong today? Well, I am back in my nest..and it takes little getting used to. Mind goes back thinking of the same nonexistent person, mind yearns, mind fights..mind convinces the ever so adamant mind. Mind says that the mind will find peace. I have to reach a point where I don’t need distractions to not think about him. I have heard letting go is hard. My word: It is way harder than it appears or sounds. But then again I don’t want to discuss this at length. Futile in totality. Will make my nest a happy dwelling again. And I have to get some tight sleep. I have somehow msnsgeee……see! What happens when you are sleepy and also writing up. zzzz…bbyee people..
Get your shit together! I remind myself. Almost on a daily basis. So, today has been a hectic day. By mental and physical standards. My health is deteriorating. I am sensing it. And like a fool, I am keeping record of it instead of doing something about it. Like how a 70 year old celebrity who is in hospital is reported by the tabloids. Day before yesterday, admitted. Yesterday, not looking good. Today, taking the 70 year old to surgery. Here, I am the 70 year old and I am the tabloid. I think I’ll write my story to the hospital bed. What a sad human being. I assume this is my way of staying in delusion. I am waiting for the worst moment. Like okay..life could get worst..show me how worse?! I know I am ruining it. Working late..skipping meals..sleeping and avoiding daily chores. Couldn’t these scientists come up with some vaccine that would boost your energy cells? Make you happy ..make you wanna do things the normal way? I am on the wrong track and I am coercing myself again..get your shit together. Only words. It comes from within right..that positive feeling. Have my insides gone stale? So soon? Will I never be actually happy..actually normal from the inner core of my being? I am writing this to make note of this phase. I want to get on to the next jubilient phase and write a polar opposite article against this one. I have to fix my timings, eating, learning, staying, living, breathing..i have to breathe without any thought at the back of my head. Cope with me readers. I will, rise from the dead! Or rise before I am dead!
I want to write something profound today..like, how I am spending my Saturday in a profoundly messy way…clothes piled up in one corner..pizza spread in another corner…some song playing in the background on my iPod…me unusually comfortable in a not so fitting T shirt..nails a mess..hairs a mess..life a mess…wow! I need some device to disentangle. Soon I am going to turn 25. In two months time frame. I think panicking is the only thing I am proactive at. And for some weird reason, 25 is giving me jitters. I don’t want to grow up. But it’s such a cliched statement. I said the same thing when I was turning 20. Why can’t I be like those uber cool people who make statements like age is just a number! Or you should be young at heart! It’s like I have so many things in my mind..i want to do this..want to do that..and time is flying…flying at light speed…I am running behind it…my hands desperately trying to catch hold of it…and in vain. I want to pledge here forth that I won’t waste my time. I won’t do what I don’t like. I won’t let anyone push me around. I won’t waste a single iota of a minute worrying about what people opine. I won’t sulk because it totally counts as wasting your time. Let’s happily spend time on things that perk me up. Like for the moment dancing out of breath on some stupid song…in this mess of a room! And 25… Come I’ll embrace you with my dancing arms and tipsy smile.
I think girls are beautiful creatures of god. I mean I am all about praising men, but today i want to NOT mention them anywhere. There is something about girls you know…the air of mystery..the inhibition to not let it all out..the smile..the unconscious gestures of moving their fingers around their ear…the cuteness…the sultriness..the mood swings….the giggles…the caring instinct…the hairs..ooh the hairs in all sort of varieties…the uncalled for tears and their futile attempts to stop them…the bracelets around their wrists, or anklets around their slender feet or lockets around their neck or those cute hair clips…the copious amount of products they purchase…and the seldomness with which they use those products..how they shower love…how they feign to be mad…how they don’t make eye contact when actually mad…how they looooove to dress up…and how they equally loooove to stay in jammies..i am telling you…girls are full of adorable peculiarities. They can be pain in the ass at times, true. But aren’t they disarming enough for you to bear some pain?! You might be amidst a tornado of life changing decisions to make, and a particular she will call you up and make it all mellow. I love being a girl! It is occuring to me today. :).
All human interactions I have had today have turned me either upset or down or agitated. People are rude, with their words, actions or intents. I am probably going to buy a pet and start talking to it instead. I feel quite at loss of words today and genuinely hurt. I will not think about this right now.
I have to wake up early tomorrow, there are important works to do, it’s already 2:27 am. There was this song I had heard the other day. Kya khoya, kya paaya, itna kyun soche hai..tu hai nadiya, tu hai dariya, kyun khud ko roke hai..(what’s lost, what did you gain, why are you thinking so much…you are a river, you are the ocean, why then stopping yourself..)
I am too effin’ sentient to people around me. Will STOP this very moment.
My mind is warning me at the moment: don’t write anything now…it will be trivial and boring and repetitive and what not. I have gone against my mind’s whim and started a new post.
May be I’ll try out some few lines. How do I fight against my own mind?! I have been thinking and I have got a headache today probably because of overthinking. Or probably because of under eating. I want to stay fit and I am too lazy to cook. These things are not going right the way they are. Sooner I am going to end up in a sick bed. Let me come up with a solution. I avoid cooking for every minimal reason. Whatever happened to my self loving funda? Not eating is one form of carelessness right and an indication that I don’t worry much about myself. Why? Why am I not worrying. Self loathe? Noh. I want all good things for me. :D. Then laziness probably. And I do cook good. I love what I cook. It’s laziness for sure. What’s the cure for laziness? I googled while I am on this post. Wiki says:
Figure out the real issue – Okay!
and then it goes on about, focus on the actual problem, get organized, jump out of bed, start, mind the self-talk, don’t give up..oh my god it is full of suggestions.
Am I hurting, am I uninspired, am I tired or overwhelmed? Hmm, well, I know one thing: I am hungry as hell right now and none of the above. Will take the cue, and enter my kitchen.