A working Saturday…not my ideal way to spend a weekend. Anyway, it is almost ending now. I have been sleeping a lot lately. Not discussing my feelings to anybody in detail. I just go in the flow of their topics of conversation. Nodding. Responding. Smiling. Actually, I myself am not sure how am I feeling in precise sense. Unaffected. Well that’s not true. Things affect me. Pretty much. After a long time, I have re-started eating in company of some office colleagues. Almost been two months. For some reason, it makes me feel bounded. I have to eat fast, because otherwise I am tortoise paced. They speak other language, and I don’t find myself curious even to ask. I think I am being too harsh. They are nice people but I do feel restrained. I like my kind of people. I have some. I like talking about movies, words, shopping and other funny stuff and not about job and career and work! I like to eat sweet corn sitting by the bus stand, talking and I like having ice cream and sharing it from the same cup. Well, then again I prefer it with specific entities. Why so specific! Why so choosy? God knows. I like the idea of imaginary bubble world. I mean what’s so wrong about it if it brings smile to your face! Reality is hard and demands a mature you. May be I am good with my own stupid thoughts and impromptu decisions that go on and off! I don’t know how one plans future because I never have. I might have pictured some pretty things like a swing in my own house, some cozy movie night along with my guy in the couch, long walks etc etc..but this is not planning future right. For now, bubble world is good, it is comforting me. I’ll come back to reality intermittently and check if I can handle it.
What’s with me and coming late to office these days? Today is one of those mornings when I am getting random thoughts about getting old. Well, I am not looking old now..but I will at some point of time. I dread it. I know it sounds very superficial, but do we only have this irrevocable option to succumb to life? Time won’t stop on our wish. People will change and won’t remain the way you want them to stay. You will age! Is a person supposed to turn despondent?! Or start practising nihilism as a more severe step. Just continuing with angst in your mind does not seem like an option to me. I need quick fixes. I need effective fixes.
If I reflect on myself, I am so mad at a particular person I might..well forget it. I am not even mad. I am just confused lately. Jilted is the word coming in mind. It’s not my surroundings to be blamed. But I have to stop this high low mood swings! Massive indications of an unstable mind. Will venture into something light. Like yeah, I bought this skipping rope. Now is a good time to start skipping. :).
Just scrolled through the Urbandictionary and made me laugh again!
@TheUrbanSlangs: Bite me – A slightly more polite way to say “Fuck off you prick”.
I think I am going to practise that. :D. And many more ways to keep stifling opinions at bay.
I want to say so many things but the thoughts are not formulating to words. Friday night. Very banal Friday night. Yet I am quite relaxed as it’s a long weekend here in India. Three days of peace and quite. My friend is turning up tomorrow. Well she is a work machine and I said come take a break! So we might chill, go to some lake, do some girly shopping, it will be fun. :). I am not hundred percent sure though whether I am calling her for she needs a break or if I need a close company by my side. I have tried and remained busy. I have tried to keep myself happy. I met my parents. I met my brother. I met my best friends. I got on this ride at an amusement park which literally hung me upside down. There i was screaming while taking 360 degree spins…Baghwan bacha lo..bacha lo..(God save me..save me..)..it was baffling! I sat down with my friend by the lake and watched ducks go by..I went to this snow covered mountain..it was treacherous on the top and I was slipping every now and then. My heart thumped out of fear and I could hear my racing pulses, they were so palpable! Each person had a trainer and we were harnessed together. Mine was Chitra. We had to run in that snowy slope and plunge into the air…the feeling was phewwww! And as we were floating in the air..parachute taking its own course in flow of the wind..picturesque view all around..my trainer, he started singing punjabi soothing songs..like cherry on top! Those were heavenly 10-15 mins of my life. I felt so many beautiful things in that short moment I cannot describe. So alright..I have been doing some activities. And yeah, yesterday i danced my lungs and feet out in an office outing. There was music..and there were people..and I remember nothing about them..I took my specs off and danced all to myself like in revelation of something. I was rapping when there was rap..i was banging my head when there were beats..i was holding my hands high..and jumping around..hairs wavering hither and tither. You know like my body proclaiming I don’t care or something. :D. That was fun too. I know I am missing something..and I am covering up for it through all this. I mean I am enjoying it all but what I wanted was something entirely different. It’s silly right? May be my bff knows me better. He says you only like to romanticize your situation and imagine that a movie is going on and you are it’s heroine. :D. He is mostly harsh on me. But then he has a point. Why unnecessarily add a tinge of sadness to your life ? It pricks and it will prick for a little while more. But life ain’t that bad now. There are rides and mountains, music to dance to and people! People whom i love and then some who love me back. Some express, some are stupid enough not to express. It’s alright! It’s all cool! 🙂
I cannot count the number of random thoughts I get in a day. Fight this. Fight that. One day I am all positive, the other day, exact opposite. I am not liking normal mankind these days. Everybody seems selfish. Or indifferent. The most annoying thing: daily I dig up one reason to miss this guy! Like okay, I haven’t ruminated over this topic yet…let’s grill my head with these thoughts today. I am on some self destructive mode. Don’t understand WHYYY?! And I am sorting it all on my own. If I look from an outsider’s perspective, I’ll definitely suggest myself some counsellor. But it’s not that serious an issue. May be just a matter of time. Or so I am praying. I just cannot sink in the feeling that after knowing me how can someone decide not to have me in their life. Full on adorable and funny I am! Anyway, complicated or whatever shit that is, I have to accept it.
Let me talk about something that perks me up. Yeah, SRK movies. I am a biggggg fan of Shah Rukh Khan. Every annoying thing he does on TV, no matter how stupid, how boastful, how silly, i love it all. It’s like blind adulation. Nothing affects my stand on that. And what to say, I have grown up watching his movies again and again and again. Nowadays when his movies release, I’ll be all apprehensive and I’ll pray to God that please let it be a HIT. Let it be good. Let people love it. It’s all the way craziness for him. Anyone and everyone who talks bad about him offends me. So, I prefer not to discuss at all. Or otherwise I might throw things at them :D. Stupidly enough, i even have a pic of him in my clutch. Nothing done on intention, but there are these weight machines in railway stations where you put a coin and they give out a slip telling your weight on one side and some random character trait of yours. So this one had SRK’s pic and I just couldn’t get rid of it. :P. Anyway, ciao for today! My mood seems better.
I don’t exist if I don’t have her..the sun doesn’t shine the world doesn’t turn alright..alright.. 🙂
How dramatic and enormously cute this gesture is. I dig this kind of love where you have gone all head over heels for the person. One direction, i like! Now, when i think of it, how utterly boring life would be if there was no music to listen to. Isn’t it? It pumps my heart, my feet and my soul. From quite a few days I have been thinking of getting a tattoo done. Something miniature, nothing to show off but for self-gratification. There are two options. One is an anklet sort of design around my feet; another is a small flying bird behind the ear. The conflict is that both are very different from each other. Anklet design I conjured up because I used to wear this chain on my left feet and it had various emotions attached. Had to keep that emotion intact. Bird is for the independence. How it has always affected my life and my decisions. WHAT to do?! I have been confused with options all my life. And then I don’t even listen to what others suggest. May be that’s why my blogsite reads whimsical… . Anyway, will know in a week’s time.
#doing what I like..
Smile because it’s not that hard..I say, we need to make sure we have smiled enough for the day. Be it good times bad times happy times sad times…at the end it’s all on you how you want to deal with the day! I think we should make it a habit like how we brush our teeth. Today I feel like a person who has loved and lost. Loved because i did love dearly..and lost because it snapped in my head today..that there is no turning back now. What’s gone is gone. I wrote in my notepad the word that came in my mind at that moment: “MELANCHOLY”. It didn’t quite content me. So I wrote another word i really like: “TRYST”. I’ll be great. I am not made of steel, infact I put myself in those “very sensitive people” category but something in me says things will be great. I mean I am still smiling at the end of it all right!
Despite all my resolutions I have been little off the track, insanely, what people can call disturbed. If they observe me they’ll speculate myriad stuffs, they might show sympathy because I have even been looking miserable. I dragged through the whole day somehow and when I reached home I opened a parcel(usual shopping) and tried on these cute girly pink shoes. It made me all smiley faced and put me into that slow dancing mood. :). I don’t know where actual happiness lies but it’s commendable if you can find it in the little things around you. My job for today is done. And i repeat someone else’s overused quote: a day I haven’t laughed is a day wasted. I somehow saved today’s grace.
I have been reading news from all corners of the world today. I have been googling(is this a word yet?) lots of stuff and I have shopped my wallets out this weekend. Why so much activity? Even now in the middle of the night, 2:15 am IST, instead of sleeping I am penning my thoughts. Don’t want a moment of idleness. I am aware this is not normal behaviour, but then this is better than pondering about unwanted things.
A question just walked past my brain. What are we to the Universe? What if I asked Universe this question? It’s almost similar in fatuity to a body cell asking us questions like what do I mean to you! Now, I am aware of the fact that body cells die and replace new ones every passing second of the clock but if I had to answer I would answer something like this: you, dear body cell constitute me, you are a part of my being. I know you are puny and unsightable but if you go, I’ll be a person less complete than before. Talk about romanticising anything that comes my way! :D. I wish Universe has a reply similar to mine. I wish Universe reaches out and hints me in my dreams tonight that, hey girl! You mean a lot.
My eyelids are heavy now, like they are carrying sooo much weight. Off to sleep!
I am quite languid today. Languid not distressed, which is somewhat good. I don’t know what I’ll write right now. I have to start eating regularly. I have been so lost, I have forgotten to take my care. I have given up cooking and I have given up eating as well since quite a few days. Why this self professed stupidity?! I don’t know. Somewhere the back of my head is ringing it’s unhealthy but I need a jolt. Eat moronic creature eat! I have to revive many things. I got to liven up a little. Add spark into this daily activities. Practise some self indulgence. Eat some chocolates. Cook some yummy delicious meal. Refill my iPod with some perky songs. Open up some novel. Got to start studying something. I have to go back and assure my guitar that I haven’t abandoned it. I have so much to do! Why am I humming tunes of laziness here? Atleast accomplish the regular tasks of making yourself dinner. Will you? Mmm I will. Will you for sure? Yes I will.
(Things crazy people do when alone: talk to self like there are two of you)
My job is to live and live to the fullest. And sing. And write. And read. And dance. And love. My job is to emanate boundless energy and not worry about the past or future. I cannot hold anything in my hands. No. These moments are transitory. Only thing that will remain are its feeble traces. When God would have created me and coddled his hands over my head, I am sure he might have smiled and said…go my sweet child..go make moments. He wouldn’t have said things like, go churn urself till your body gives in. Go worry. Go cry. Go grieve. Why would he want things like that right?! Makes no sense. I think I am on the verge of a transformation. I think I need to change for my own good. When I say this, my nerves riposte: You will miss him. And I reply back: let’s consider him a human and cut some slack. Let’s not make a big deal out of what people say and think and want you to do. I will lay back for a while now!
Meanwhile..i went on a trip to Manali with my best pals. There was lot of confusion and turbulance and few bones of contention..but overall it was worth it. Made me ponder how time flies! Made me realize I am on my own now. Made me happy. May be a little sad. There again i was trying to hold the moment but darn it flies. One moment you are all teary eyed and hugging your best friend good bye and another moment you are having a sandwich at your office cafeteria. Things don’t make sense to me these days. So I’ll preach now that be in the moment. Neither ahead nor behind. And mates! I sure want to practise what I preach. :).
This I am doing just to fulfill my whim. It’s his birthday. For the person I had known and cherished, my Birthday wishes reach out to him. :). I do miss the urge and excitement to make him feel special on this particular day. But no big deal. You, have a good time and know that I am wishing you great things in life ahead.
This one out of pure unadulterated affection and nothing else.