Taking a deep breath and clicking on this plus sign to write something…I am sad. There i admitted it. Not as sad like 🙁 but sad like :|. Ever since i lost this person in my life i have been sad. Actually he lost me, and see what have i done to myself! Feel like a walking machine. Like a void has occupied my system ever since. Doing all the normal things human beings do…bath, brush, eat, sleep. Stay busy. Then again i say to myself..enough of this crap! ENOUGH of sulking! My friends are getting tired of my behavior. I myself am getting tired of it. Let’s end it here, I daily repeat to myself. Has made me realize how inconsistent I am on my words. God if you are out there, i think you are reading this. And I think you are checking on me. Please get me out of this mess. I am reaching out to you with all my earnest emotions. Year is coming to an end. Let’s give it a rest. No more sulky posts. No more rantings. Seriously. Turn me into a free bird this year. If that is too much to ask for, please turn me into a fledgling at the least. I’ll find my way out from there.
We learn a good deal of things from the people we meet in our life. I will go ahead and list some good, cute, cherishable habits i have learnt till date from my loved ones:
– never cringe to pay for your buddies; even when you are broke.
– call your friends often. So often that it becomes a part of routine for them to receive your call.
– deal with huge huge problems without sweating and by keeping your mind at peace.
– love unconditionally; and to those you love don’t think at all before helping them.
– keep changing your hair style, every six to eight months.
– keep reading: comics, history, movies, music, stories, headlines, gossip, gibberish etc etc. Just keep reading.
– love the songs without imagining yourself in them.
– keep your bed empty/cleared before going to sleep.
– be a good host.
– dance. Dance like you want to break your leg. Anywhere. Everywhere. Strangers don’t matter.
– sync clothes on some occassions and wear matching colors with your friends.
– always utilize your loneliness.
– finish your plate off. Don’t waste any food.
– dress well. Iron every frickin’ thing.
– take pride in your quirks.
– create no fuss about shitty situations. Deal with it. On your own.
– shop for the fun of it without thinking about money.
– eat ice cream often.
– always keep track of new things: gadgets, music, news.
– age is just a number and no job is too small for you. Do it diligently.
– stay busy all you want, but when your bff is in trouble, stay up whole night to make them alright.
– adjust to your surroundings.
– lay no inhibitions while singing. Sing how you feel it in your nerves.
– make funny faces, do funny actions as and when you like.
– walk. Walk is good.
– it is human to cry your eyes out. Gender is no bias.
– stay happy and spread happiness.
I don’t know how many of these i precisely follow. But i recalled all my favorite people and these things ran through my mind. I have been admiring these traits in them. And i try to emulate some, every now and then. :).
When situation goes bad..or say worst…beyond repair condition..why not find some humour in it! That might lighten your mood..will make you smile..will remind you life is as easy as you make it in your head. My best friend gave me some perspective the other day. I utterred: it should have happened this way. I wanted it to happen this way. And he replied: what is there to be sad? there could have been only two outcomes. Chances existed for either of the two to happen. And I was like: who preconceives bad stuff in their head? He said: but you will have to be prepared for both sides right!
It made me ponder. Why o why do we only imagine things the way we want? There were 50-50 chances from the very beginning. Why can’t the brain stop working on its whims and falsely creating notions on the positive 50 percent. Why don’t we gauge the bad outcomes as well. And if it’s tough. Why not give it a rest. Not ponder at all. I think that will do me good. Might even work for you guys!
I will now proceed to do some trivial tasks of painting toe nails. :P. Frivolity is better than fallacy!
Why do i feel like an alien in this whole wide world? Like i am all alone and strayed and nothing would ever free me of my misery. Or nothing would ever make me happy to the core. Deceptions leave you bruised. But I don’t have anyone to blame. Nor do I have a particular reason to stay so. It’s like I am torn between two sides of me. One is optimistic, carefree, cheery, tackles everything; the other side is downright pathetic..it talks to self and cannot control tears and feels like a lone ranger when standing in the crowd. I have to cut all the crap about past and future. PRESENT! Don’t waste your present. Make it worthwhile. I want to close my eyes and feel alive again. Like really alive. All spruced up. Like i would smile and the world will melt. :).
Winters…christmassy air…placid smile coming on face..some days I feel like God is working out to make me happy. I am not sure but he is doing something up there. Like stars are aligning themselves to bring me beautiful moments. Yeah some days it feels exactly the opposite, but let me hold on to the good stuff. I have a handful of friends to treasure. Today i am in a mood to hug each one of them. :). It’s no extra ordinary day. Just another usual tuesday.
2 hours later..
A strange thing happened now. I got away for a while and the internet connection went off or the page logged off or i closed it by mistake or something..now when i returned i was not so cheery like 2 hrs ago..n i felt like oh no! I was writing kind of happy things. How do i rewrite them? And then i was frantically looking if a draft was saved for my above lines and failed to do that. And i gave up on the whole thing. Say, i will write another day may be! Then one last time, i clicked on this ‘+’ sign and it did its baap beep boop…and yay i saw something there! Do you want to restore an earlier draft? Yes, i do. I so do. It’s not like I had written something great or at length, but i had been happy while penning it and for a sec it made me think, how SHORT LIVED is happiness?! How soon it passes away. And the moment you see some ray for it to return…you want to grab it like a child vying for a candy from some adult’s hand.
So, i guess, will end on a happy note today. :). We got to stay happy OR keep seeking happiness. Stars will work out and give you a “Restore” option soon..very soon..
What will i write today?
Mind is surprisingly very blank at the moment. Why take the trouble to write up a blog when your brain cells are hibernating?! Let’s try.
My parents are about to visit me soon, and I am reminiscing all the beautiful childhood times. It delights me to think how when I was a kid my parents treated me like some delicate doll of sorts. Shouldn’t get her feet dirty, shouldn’t catch cold, hairs all neat and kempt, should eat lots of food..should drink milk before sleep..shouldn’t hurt herself…should sleep with all coziness and comfort of the world..should keep her smile on. I was probably not even aware of these many “shoulds”. One trivia i crisply remember from those times is how i used to go through the family photo albums over and over again with my mom. Most of the pics had me in them. There was this one photo that only had my mom and dad in it..and every time i used to see it…i used to make a huge fuss about why did you click it?! Why am I not here! You and dad don’t love me! Remove this photo from the album! My mom would then apply all her tricks to cheer me up or divert me else where. Now after all these years when i look back, i feel like asking myself: Who would bear such futile, over the top tantrums of mine today?
I don’t act so stupidly now but even till date, i think my parents irrationally hear to all my wishes. I don’t know why do they do that? Why have they spoiled me so darn much that the rest of the world seems little cruel in comparison. I try and stay all independent and strong and all the heavy words when I am alone. And every time they visit, I’ll turn that same doll mode on..innately. From an outsider’s perspective: Not Healthy. Anyway looking forward. :).
Important lesson learnt today : You love them enough to let them go. It might hurt. It will hurt. But you want the best for them. It doesn’t involve you? Accepted. You don’t wait for things to settle. You set them free. Moments will stay. Don’t dwell too deep. They won’t wane. Go ahead. There are many more moments to come…
#usual 3 am ramblings on a saturday night. I keep turning up here to find some solace. Makes me feel lighter. Better.
New year and Christmas are around the corner. Festive zeal all around. You cannot avoid it. Even if you want, it will peek through the decorated walls, shops, and some overly enthusiastic people around you. Love this time of the year. Have been through so many “new years” over and over again, but the excitement always catches on, sooner or later. There is this eerie feeling that the year gone by is slipping through your hands…like some part of your life is taking a new turn. And things will change, whether you want them to or not. Few wait in sanguinity, that the next year will be something great! Like they are going to kill it this year! Some get apprehensive. Some find new years over-rated. I, for some reason feel queer about it. I want to befriend this new year and extract few information about the days to come. Insecure that I am, I want to ask it all sort of questions:
Are you going to be on my side?
Are you going to disappoint me? If so, please warn me beforehand.
Just out of curiosity, why do you always seem to be in a hurry?
Could you please keep track of my spendings and make me little richer this time?
You are going to make me one year older, won’t you make up for it, you know, by balancing it with hotness?
Will i grab on super shopping deals this time around?
Will my brain get any bigger?
Would you, now would you, make me meet an awesome guy? Don’t you think I have had enough dorks for a life time.
Would you make sure I don’t lose my friends, and they don’t go out of touch?
Would you care to give me more natural moments this time? You know the tangible ones and less of technicalities and materialistic joys?
And would you for the love of god! make this time’s new year resolution work! Not let it fade so fast?
I guess new year will respond something akin to: “pooof…you girls and your questions!”
I think I need to stop conversing with non-living things.
People who are thrilled about the year to come..:)..i am with you..and people who aren’t. Please do give it a chance.
“Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames.” ― Rumi
Point noted Sir. Infact i would like to add: don’t hang around those who curb it.
I mean, why do we say things like: Life is boring..life is going no where..there is no meaning to life…bla bla and bla. Life is no third party right, that is taking decisions without asking you. You are the life. Ofcourse some things are not in our hands and surprise us on every nook and corner, but the rest of it..i think a hefty 70% of it is totally in our hands. I am feeling this unbridled energy today…that is yearning me to spread out my arms and close my eyes and think for a moment that i am standing at the edge of a cliff! Wow the breeze…that sensation when your hairs are kind of sweaty and air strokes your nape. You are like…this is good..let me sit here for a while. The silence around is making me think at a lightening speed..nature is with you..the birds the sky the river downstream..they are concording with your train of thoughts. They are saying stuff like..Yes..dear human..live it up..shed off those apprehensions..shed off the worldly trivialities..LIVE IT UP! Okay, i reply in return.
There i am again…not getting sleep like normal humans. 2.30 am. No man is an island. But i am so feeling like an island these days. Who likes a person stuck up in past?! Even i don’t. I am clueless on how to react or behave these days. Nothing, absolutely nothing is calming me down. There is a lot of pretense I am practising. I want to move on. From this person. From this episode. Something is stuck but. Some sort of unfinished business. I am praying all earnestly that i walk past through all this. Shed tears, wake up at nights, walk long walks..but just get over it. The added problem is discussing it with people makes it all banal and meaningless. Like okay…it happens every other day with every other person. Ergo the island feeling. Is this what psychiatrists term as depression?! I am not “depressed” actually. I have this urge to attain normalcy. I am eating, walking, talking, doing regular stuff, even dancing and smiling. But that knot in my head somewhere…ughh i want to break it open. This is what “struggling” feels like. Few years down the lane, i’ll come back, re-read this and wonder…why did i make such a big fuss? What was the drama all about. I really wish i could traverse to some other time now.
Discombobulated! Yeah that is the word for the day.
I would want the coming days to be associated with following words:
Levity..Tranquility..Bliss..Plain intrinsic bliss. Well the world thrives on hope!
I’ll find a way..