How does one think beyond the limits of one’s surroundings when one is confined in the same spot for a really long time. No change of scenery, no human interaction, no intimacy, no banters. I feel like my mind has frozen. Stuck in this loop of mundane activities, trying really hard to stay positive but to no avail. These bad thoughts and scary moments sneak their way in, somehow. I want this feeling of unrest to end. I would like to feel the lightness in my steps and have a zinger for my thoughts. It’s not like I am constantly sad. But I would like to be in a state of carefreeness. I know that feeling, I crave for it now more than ever. Peace in solace. Just, plain and simple peace. 🙂
The news broke out yesterday that Sushant Singh Rajput has died of suicide; at the age of 34; by hanging himself.
He was a famous, talented actor in the Indian film industry. For some unfathomable reason, this is feeling like a personal loss. Can’t take my mind away from it. Didn’t really follow him, wasn’t a big fan. Had watched his first movie ‘Kai Po Che!’, and remember really loving his part in it.
As any other Indian kid grown up around watching Bollywood movies, I too had know his background story. How he came from humble beginnings, how intelligent he was, with deep thoughts and how he had made it so far. And every time a person reaches great heights through hardships, knowing their story, you always root for them. Inadvertently. At the back of your mind.
So when this news hit the IG feed and group chats yesterday, it was shocking at the least. And I have been immersed in reading about it till now. To a point of exhaustion. It saddens me to think that, there came a moment in his life where he decided his life isn’t worth living. He sure must have tried every other outlet to reach this conclusion. It’s plain difficult for me to process that. His loved ones, their grief. His own anguish or helplessness that lead to this. And no matter how many discussions we have on mental health issues post his death or point fingers, it took a precious life to evoke this very heavy feeling in all of us. These troubled 3 am feelings. May he find his peace.
On that note, be kind friends. To yourself and to others.
I have been watching these shows, movies, relevant to the ongoing movement on black lives matter. There is a lot to learn, a lot to understand, a lot to feel. As an Indian person, sitting in the UK, watching what’s happening in America, I can only say that I am not well apprised to put across the right words. I see the protests, I read the dialogues, I hear the enraged voices. What’s happening to black people doesn’t feel right. It appears to be wrong at a very basic level.
I have watched some really interesting things on Netflix so far:
– When they see us
– 12 Years a slave
– What Happened, Miss Simone?
– Dear White People
– Sweet Karamo in the Queer Eye(this one is just to feel good)
Some things are too difficult to watch, but I think we need to see them even if it makes us uncomfortable. It’s the reality a large group of people have lived for so long. And we can’t put a blind eye on it.
A movement is on the uprising, and I wish the next decade is a wave of progressive change in our world.
Sometimes I feel so suffocated, it becomes hard to breathe.
When did I become this utterly sad piece of shit?!
I have no peace of mind.
Have been completely disrespecting myself over the past two years.
There has been so much self-doubt that I have lost track of my real self.
And it is becoming so damn difficult to come out of that mindset.
I write this in despair. What do I need to eliminate?
Ruminating over the past.
Being sad that life didn’t turn out as I had imagined.
Letting someone ruin my happiness. I am better than that. C’mon!
A major heap of realization came my way, that people are selfish and you have to fend for yourself.
I am genuinely very sad. That’s all I am feeling at the moment.
Things will never be the same again.
And I have to start afresh.
What do you do when you can’t help feeling a certain kind of way? There is no right or wrong to it. But you end up feeling helpless, at the mercy of your own will. I am realising that moving past a mistake is difficult. You know that’s the only way out of your misery. But you can’t seem to do it anyway. The feeling erupts unannounced, and leaves you disappointed over the progress you have made. Makes you feel that you’ll never move on. But you know you will move on. Just need to figure out how. Can’t be impossible, isn’t it?
Feelings. A very risky business. You catch them unawares. You lose them without notice. You can’t really help feeling a certain way, try as you may.
Change is imminent. But it’s those few days before the change when you’re feeling too many things.
A sweet kind of sadness lingering in the air. The helplessness to be slightly out of control. The fear of uncertainty. Where is this life heading towards next? You feel each moment a little too deeply. Things that were once quotidian present themselves in a totally different light. You smile, you cry. You lose this non-confrontational battle with your feelings. What would follow next is reminiscence. What would follow next are the challenges.
The sun rises another day, in another land and you brace yourself with the hope that it will only get better.
Am I writing for the likes?
Posting photos for the views?
Living for the heck of it
And loving for attention?
Am I incapable of deep thought?
Am I too simple to be complex?
Is complexity the only mystique thing?
And am I seeking to be mystique then?
No vices make the virtue look boring
Am I overly consumed in my virtues?
And too self-centred to notice?
Or am I getting carried away with opinions again?
I wouldn’t like to use this term loosely but there are days when I am more anxious than the regular days. It could be triggered by any small thing, like a bad dream, a silly Pinterest quote, something that I saw in a movie, a song. What I am learning is, each day is not the same. And some days take a lot of effort from me to stay focused. I can’t help it when the feeling kicks in but keeping my phone away helps, talking to friends helps, talking to your dear ones makes the feeling go away, writing does it too. These are strange times indeed, and then we all have our inner battles to tackle. They say, time fixes things; heals old wounds. I would just call it a bad day and go to sleep. Jittery nerves will figure their way out slowly. Steadily.
I am 30 years old. April just swooped right past me and I turned a little older a week back. I am grateful for the fact that I can work from home, get paid and only have to complain about my mood swings from time to time. I wish to see my loved ones like everyone else in this situation. I want to remove any toxic traits from my life and work on my betterment. 30 was supposed to be a big deal. It kind of is. Here’s to another decade of growing from experiences. Let life surprise me in new ways. I sleep now.
I am deciding to be productive from tomorrow. It’s a little difficult to make up your mind for something when you’re going through a problem, but baby steps could help. I have been stalling to learn French since forever. It’s been a very on again, off again relationship with the language since 3 years but I absolutely love it. And I am resolving to become fluent in it by the end of 2020. That gives me about eight months in hand. C’mon girl! You can do it.
I see the flowers and they are smiling at me. I smile back. They say to me, “Your smile is infectious. Smile often, dear girl.”
Je vois les fleurs et ils me sourient. Je souris en retour. Ils me disent: <<Ton sourire est infectieux. Souris souvent, chère fille.>>
Credits: Google Translate