Have you ever missed someone you don’t even know properly? Like the idea of not seeing them again makes you kinda sad. It wasn’t anything. But you suddenly feel very lonely.
The mind plays strange games. There is nothing to hold on to, no reason whatsoever. A tiny glimpse here and there. A feeling. A hunch. An intuition. That’s all.
Some people you connect to in an inexplicable way. You somehow just align perfectly to their world, which is very different from yours. Their presence brings a smile to your face. And their absence is felt too. Your people. But not really yours.
I can’t really explain. Just sad about something that is out of my control. The theme of my thought pool is ‘yearning’. Yearning for a soul that would probably understand why I am feeling the way I am feeling. A tiny speck of wish that this isn’t the end.
If I could hold on to some moments. And not suffer in this internal anguish.
I have been from extremely elated yesterday to feeling extremely dejected today.
I am feeling so out of my skin. There are new people in the house. Friends, family and partner are all away. Growing distant to the old friends. Growing concerned over my ageing parents. Growing complacent in a happy relationship.
It’s so difficult to safeguard one’s innocence.
Is it a human tendency to seek distress? A lot of my long standing problems got resolved yesterday. I was super relieved. And today was like a fresh canvas sort of a day. And what did I do? Absolutely wasted it away.
I have been feeling lonesome. So many people around and so alone. These changing times, constant barrage of social media, flimsy dating culture around, the need to have an opinion on everything, how much can you share, what is cool and what’s not, feeling old, friends talking about having kids, covid, zoom calls, weight gains, criticisms, trust issues, social awkwardness, life. Aaaaaarghhhhh. It’s like I am feeling pukish but in a metaphorical sense. Don’t even have a solution yet.
I seem to have put on a few kilos in the past few months. I have always been petite and this weight gain is a bit of a bummer. I am finding it difficult to adjust to it. At the same time, I am not really doing anything to fix it.
I turned 30 last year and the slowing metabolism is starting to show? I don’t really know. Weight was never a concern for me and now I am seeing noticeable differences.
It’s made me very self conscious. Not liking my pictures. Not feeling confident in my skin. This self pitying will have to stop at some point and will need to take some corrective actions.
The wait has been so long, I cannot bother to recall. My thoughts are haywire and my actions discomposed. My words are in between a pile of mess.
So close to something one has longed for a while. The warmth one has almost forgotten, so much that the thought of revisiting it unsettles me a little. There is an air of nervousness around. A struggle dealt with for a long time alone.
How does one share the bliss when a journey of woes has been traversed alone. It doesn’t seem balanced. I find myself incapable of expressing my emotions of late. Overwhelmed? Perhaps. Anxious? In abundance.
Time does a lot of things. It makes you forget how you once felt. Be it good or bad. And that’s a bit of irony. It would be quite right to say that at times, words simply fail to assist. A few feelings are too fervent to be moulded into words.
Some days, it hurts a little more. And some days, I don’t feel like getting out of the bed.
A bad dream started my day on a bad note. I was perturbed for the rest of the day, without an explanation. I remained quiet, no outbursts. A snarky remark here and there, but no outbursts. And then, the feeling spiralled down to worse. With me having no hold of it.
And my day is ending badly too. Restless, annoyed, angry at something. I am a bit worried about the future. I am a little unsatisfied with the present. Stuck with a pertinent thought that’s not ready to leave me. Ignoring it, brushing it under the rug, facing it. The feeling doesn’t go away. It just wouldn’t. I can tell it’s getting better over time, but something innocent is ruined. It upsets me a lot.
I wouldn’t think about it for days and then bam it would hit me. The worse side-effect of this is that I have started disregarding the way people feel. I am becoming a little mean because I have started to believe that everyone is selfish. No deed is selfless. Kindness is layered too.
Being a person who endorses colors, I am hating this shade of grey.
Oh my God. Could some people just get on your nerves? Or some days, do you find yourself just really short on tolerance? Everyone disappoints you at some point and you prick them likewise.
So how do you find composure when you are agitated? How do you find the balance with loving someone and also accepting their follies? There is no perfect human made for us. Your friends, your loved ones, your family, they all fall short on something. And you do too. Because we as humans have a very delusional state of perfection. We want everything. And then we find flaws even in the best of circumstances. It’s like we were designed to be unsatisfied. To complain. To focus on the pitfalls.
Can’t rest with a moment of peace. Some disruption. Something to bother you. That’s how life rolls. Even in joy, some misery is essential.
I can list down the reasons but cannot really explain why. It’s just a mix of everything.
Nothing seems completely right. I seem to be losing my touch. What do you do when you face your flaws? When you realise your shortcomings. When some people point it out to you. Or may be even bring it out in you.
I would like to wade off negativity. Some things just pull you down and I don’t want to waste my time over them. A sense of purposelessness prevails. Nothing is bringing pure joy or even a whole hearted smile. I am changing for the worse. I don’t feel myself, now that I am not exuding positive energy.
Mann karta hai bhaag jaun kahin. Akele.
I wish to run away somewhere, that is. Alone.
What a respite it would be, to not be answerable to anyone, not to compromise, not to fidget, not to struggle, or utter words out of spite.
Heal first, if you are wounded, before correcting the things around you. Find your light first. Seek and ye shall find.
The butterflies fluttering, the warm fuzzy feeling evoking, smiling from the stomach, feeling at home kind of effect. It’s difficult to express as I am bad at expressing myself. But it would be nice if you could pay a visit to the inner workings of my mind. You would have a clue.
Once bitten, twice shy. And I am shy this time around. That feeling of unabashed, reckless abandon has been snatched from me and it saddens me quite a lot. I am discreet now. Not by nature but through a force of habit maybe? It is what it is, and I cannot hold on to a certain way I used to feel.
Could something that has been besmirched, still hold value? Could one truly relish oneself, for what they are? It’s a battle between self-worth and being compassionate. Path to seeking forgiveness could be very difficult but the path to forgive isn’t a cake walk either. The mind understands but the heart cannot accept. Such quandary! Such difficult inner battles.