Musings #016

Of late I have been bracketing myself as an INFP more and more. I relate to the memes on INFPs, follow pages on social media, share INFP content with friends, gauge my actions being typical INFP. Anything written for an INFP and I am like, Oh! That’s totally me.

Not just that, the more I think, I am also relating more to being a millennial.

Being a Taurus.

A cat person.

Heart over mind.

A night owl.

I don’t know, there is no harm in it. It started out as fun.

But you start drifting away from things you don’t find relatable or that are outside your comfort zone. Which can’t be good. Gotta unlearn a few deemed facts about myself. Be open to experiences. Not get carried away with the social media hyped bandwagon. That’s the thought for today.

Palpitations

There are moments in one’s life where simply put, your heart skips a beat.

It could be something very basic. Extremely commonplace. Like a flip of the hair, eyes talking, a very untimely hug. You could be innocently looking at someone when they aren’t aware of it, or just watching a person sleep cosily. A moment that stays with you. Almost like a painting. Tugs your heart chords. Butterflies in the stomach. Makes you slightly breathless. A very specific instance in time when you know you’re truly fucked and there is no turning back.

I speak to the people who experience these moments or register them, it’s a blessing. You don’t have to act on it. It’s the nature harmonising to your tunes and the universe making sense for a very brief time. Cherish it. And that’s all to it.

Nights are mine

The night lengthens,

The plot thickens,

Oh morning breeze and splendours of the day,

You please my mind but you can’t take my heart away,

For matters of the heart hit a different way,

They bring you joy, at the same time leaving you in disarray,

Somehow it’s not forced, it’s your own undoing,

Be it the internal simmering or the incessant dreaming,

How does one even capture the mirth and yearning in a single frame?

If I could, I reckon I would be a poet..

Not a night dweller.

Ghazal:

दुनिया का ये रंग, और हम, दुनिया का ये रंग और हम…

कुछ होश नहीं है, सो रहे हैं, कुछ होश नहीं है, सो रहे हैं।

Translation:

This is the world’s way, although we,

Lost to the world, lie sleeping here.

Nights like this

Have you ever missed someone you don’t even know properly? Like the idea of not seeing them again makes you kinda sad. It wasn’t anything. But you suddenly feel very lonely.

The mind plays strange games. There is nothing to hold on to, no reason whatsoever. A tiny glimpse here and there. A feeling. A hunch. An intuition. That’s all.

Some people you connect to in an inexplicable way. You somehow just align perfectly to their world, which is very different from yours. Their presence brings a smile to your face. And their absence is felt too. Your people. But not really yours.

I can’t really explain. Just sad about something that is out of my control. The theme of my thought pool is ‘yearning’. Yearning for a soul that would probably understand why I am feeling the way I am feeling. A tiny speck of wish that this isn’t the end.

If I could hold on to some moments. And not suffer in this internal anguish.

The moon

Musings #015

Oh man!

I have been from extremely elated yesterday to feeling extremely dejected today.

I am feeling so out of my skin. There are new people in the house. Friends, family and partner are all away. Growing distant to the old friends. Growing concerned over my ageing parents. Growing complacent in a happy relationship.

It’s so difficult to safeguard one’s innocence.

Is it a human tendency to seek distress? A lot of my long standing problems got resolved yesterday. I was super relieved. And today was like a fresh canvas sort of a day. And what did I do? Absolutely wasted it away.

I have been feeling lonesome. So many people around and so alone. These changing times, constant barrage of social media, flimsy dating culture around, the need to have an opinion on everything, how much can you share, what is cool and what’s not, feeling old, friends talking about having kids, covid, zoom calls, weight gains, criticisms, trust issues, social awkwardness, life. Aaaaaarghhhhh. It’s like I am feeling pukish but in a metaphorical sense. Don’t even have a solution yet.

Body conscious

I seem to have put on a few kilos in the past few months. I have always been petite and this weight gain is a bit of a bummer. I am finding it difficult to adjust to it. At the same time, I am not really doing anything to fix it.

I turned 30 last year and the slowing metabolism is starting to show? I don’t really know. Weight was never a concern for me and now I am seeing noticeable differences.

It’s made me very self conscious. Not liking my pictures. Not feeling confident in my skin. This self pitying will have to stop at some point and will need to take some corrective actions.

Thought I’ll say it out loud.

Musings #014

The wait has been so long, I cannot bother to recall. My thoughts are haywire and my actions discomposed. My words are in between a pile of mess.

So close to something one has longed for a while. The warmth one has almost forgotten, so much that the thought of revisiting it unsettles me a little. There is an air of nervousness around. A struggle dealt with for a long time alone.

How does one share the bliss when a journey of woes has been traversed alone. It doesn’t seem balanced. I find myself incapable of expressing my emotions of late. Overwhelmed? Perhaps. Anxious? In abundance.

Time does a lot of things. It makes you forget how you once felt. Be it good or bad. And that’s a bit of irony. It would be quite right to say that at times, words simply fail to assist. A few feelings are too fervent to be moulded into words.

Haze

Grey

Some days, it hurts a little more. And some days, I don’t feel like getting out of the bed.

A bad dream started my day on a bad note. I was perturbed for the rest of the day, without an explanation. I remained quiet, no outbursts. A snarky remark here and there, but no outbursts. And then, the feeling spiralled down to worse. With me having no hold of it.

And my day is ending badly too. Restless, annoyed, angry at something. I am a bit worried about the future. I am a little unsatisfied with the present. Stuck with a pertinent thought that’s not ready to leave me. Ignoring it, brushing it under the rug, facing it. The feeling doesn’t go away. It just wouldn’t. I can tell it’s getting better over time, but something innocent is ruined. It upsets me a lot.

I wouldn’t think about it for days and then bam it would hit me. The worse side-effect of this is that I have started disregarding the way people feel. I am becoming a little mean because I have started to believe that everyone is selfish. No deed is selfless. Kindness is layered too.

Being a person who endorses colors, I am hating this shade of grey.

Musings #013

Oh my God. Could some people just get on your nerves? Or some days, do you find yourself just really short on tolerance? Everyone disappoints you at some point and you prick them likewise.

So how do you find composure when you are agitated? How do you find the balance with loving someone and also accepting their follies? There is no perfect human made for us. Your friends, your loved ones, your family, they all fall short on something. And you do too. Because we as humans have a very delusional state of perfection. We want everything. And then we find flaws even in the best of circumstances. It’s like we were designed to be unsatisfied. To complain. To focus on the pitfalls.

Can’t rest with a moment of peace. Some disruption. Something to bother you. That’s how life rolls. Even in joy, some misery is essential.

Toothpaste

Oh well.

In today’s episode of arbitrary musings, we have,

What’s the deal with toothpaste tubes?

It’s a regular squeeze for half of its life time and pure battle for the rest of it.

Whoever thought…. “Let me make it more difficult than it should be.” I have an issue with this weird utility product.

For starters they are slightly over priced than the remaining of your groceries. I don’t mind that so much, however, the struggle to use it to its last bit is so real.

What do I even do? After squeezing the hell out of it, I still know there’s plenty left. My Asian instincts to not waste kick in, so I squeeze it for a few more days. And there is still more.

At the risk of sounding petty, I have often contemplated cutting it using a blade and using the remanants of it but never really got there. Would always wonder how much of it goes to waste.

So I replace it with a new tube, going through a tiny guilt trip, every time I throw the used one into the bin.

There’s clearly some unfinished business between us.